Assertive Communication

In any parts of a relation, at work, at home, or with friends, communication is crucial. There are google courses on effective communication, and I went to one yesterday. It is one for women. They categorize 4 kinds of communicator-passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and the assertive.
The passive avoids conflicts, pleases at own cost, and often feels frustrated, resentment, helpless, and less important than others. The behaviors exhibited is constant apologies; they also put themselves down because of low self-esteem.
The aggressive wants power and control over others, coercing others. They feel more important than others, but actually they also have low self-esteem and low confidence level. They dismiss others, is demanding and insulting.
The passive-aggressive tries to get his own way without taking responsibility. They blame others for their own faults. Their behaviors are sarcastic, expresses opinions indirectly and deny any negative intent.
Where one should strive for is to be an assertive person. They have self respect and respect for others, without controlling everything. They feel positive and project equal importance to all. Their behavior is their willingness to listen to others, allow others to have a viewpoint, and express their needs and wants and feelings directly.

The assertive person must work with change, consider options, work things out, have excellent communication and clear expectations, equalize their importance with others. They have consistent responses and watch for condition responses from others by their past behaviors.
They are good communicators, managers of conflict and negotiators. They have a good healthy self-esteem and do not make excuses, but are accountable for their actions and the responses it brings. Silence is approval, and if they disagree, they must say "we agree to disagree," rather than compromise their values. At the end of the day they can say "I managed my day and walked away with dignity." The most important thing is respect for self. What are you afraid of? False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR), Have respect for yourself, value what you have to offer. Know what your self interests are, the ability to identify own principles and goals in life, without outside influence. You must maintain integrity and be honest with yourself and your feelings. You have the right to slow down (take a break from emotional response), to do a full analysis before addressing the issue at hand. The assertive person (1)must be direct yet tactful, must be truthful with self, must express emotions as "I am(happy) today", ask for what he wants, (2)monitor internal dialogue with what are the facts, what is the prove behind the facts, practice honest positive internal dialogue, recognizing accomplishments, while acknowledging what you need to work on and your ability to improve; (3) carefully select what you say and how you say it through (1)power language- educated words, descriptive, clear, concise, relevant, conceptual, phrases, thought-provoking; (2)power voice-projective, medium pitch, enunciate yet not be obvious, speak with pacing; (3) body language-good eye contact, head and chin up, weight distributed to the right and left leg, shaking hands, saying hi.
Every interaction is a chance to influence and understand.
Do not take criticism personal, be specific to the situation, focus on the issue, ask for an example. Ask for clarification to meet the expectation.
If you are giving criticism, identify the cause of the problem not the person. Focus on how you perceived the situation according to your way of thinking. The other person has another perception on the same situation. Coach the person to a solution. Specify an action plan and set a timeline.
However, if mutual understanding isn't possible, express your opinion for emotional closure and choose your battles. When dealing with a difficult situation, learn to negotiate. Prepare the groundwork, know position and options, determine a good timing, challenge with clarity, connect the old and new changes, compromise if necessary, offer benefits and and an out.
When do you surrender or give up a situation? When the long term problems outlasts the short term gains.
Finally in a group setting or large audience, empower yourself before giving a talk. Prepare the slides, know the possible questions, have clear deliveries, find friendly faces in the crowd, focus nervousness into one object, and have confidence in your abilities. Do not let visual aids upstage you. You are the speaker, providing information. Make sure you are familiar with your slides, props and room.
Finally to be an assertive person, practice the confidence walk, have a sense of who you are, with a sense of humor that others can relate to, and know facts and figures that tells others that you are educated and interesting to be around.

the Notebook movie

Yesterday I watched this movie from the beginning. It is a fictional adaptation by Nicholas Sparks. Some other stories that I've read from this author includes "A Walk to Remember" and a "Message in a Bottle." This particular story has southern charm and a beautiful backdrop of summer skies with swans in the waters. Some memorable lines...

At one point in the novel Gus says to Noah, "My daddy used to tell me 'the first time you fall in love it changes your life forever, and no matter how hard you try, the feelin' never goes away. This girl you been tellin' me about was your first love. And no matter what you do, she'll stay with you forever." Do you think this is true? Can you remember your first love? Noah and Allie find themselves in this abandon home, she plays chopsticks on the piano for him. He comes over and slowly kisses her. It is their first time "sleeping" together. She is worried, so he stops, and waits until she is ready to be with him completely.

The restoration of the white house was what brought back Noah and Allie. It is a symbol of their promise they made to each other before she was taken away from him. Duke (reading, about Noah): "He got the notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to come back to him. Some called it a labor of love. Others called it something else. But in fact, Noah had gone a little mad." Duke (reading, about Noah): Duke (to his adult children): "Look, guys. That's my sweetheart in there. I'm not leaving her. This is my home now. Your mother is my home." In Asian culture, the wife is considered the home, the nurturer, the childcaretaker, the cook and the thread that holds the family together through thick and thin.

When Allie accepts the marriage proposal from Lon, she envisions Noah. When she sees Noah in the newspaper she faints, as if she has seen a ghost. Before her wedding day, she goes back to seabrook to look for Noah. What was her goal? To put the past behind her and start a new life with Lon? To test if she had any feelings left for Noah and wanting to rekindle the flame of her first love? "She had come back into his life like a sudden flame, blazing and streaming into his heart. Noah stayed up all night contemplating the certain agony he knew would be his if he were to lose her twice." Excerpt from a letter from Noah to Allie: "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."