Another episode before end of the year

It started out as marvelous week, after my weekend getaway to Tahoe. San and I exchanged emails constantly and I missed her. So we decided to meet for dinner on Wed. I was suppose to come up to the city to meet her, but i couldnt get a ride to bart station. She suggested that she would drive down and we could find some place south to eat. How sweet of her. I told her to call me as she was driving down, so i could get ready. She never called and finally when we did, she was parked at the wrong building. Eventually, we met up, and she was in a foul mood. I greeted her with "thank you for picking me up." and She didnt say anything. She then let me have it with "did you know I've been waiting here for 20min. I want an apology from you." Thinking that I didnt get her call til recently and she was waiting at the wrong parking lot, why should I have to apologize for something that was not my fault. I could say it, and not really mean it, but what is the point in that. She then stopped the car, and asked me to get out and find a way home, unless I apologized. She told me how ill-mannered I was and how my parents didnt teach me any manners. Not only did she insult me but also my family honor. Additionally, I did not want to be left stranded so I apologized for something I felt was not my fault. She drove us to dinner as I was scheming for a way to go home without eating with her. We parked at the Brewery in Burlingame and we walked separately to the restaurant. I called for a ride home and she didnt find the restaurant. I sat and waited inside while she called and texted me like mad. I made it home and felt so sad and beaten mentally for doing nothing wrong.
The next day, we met at the therapist and went through the motion. I told her I would like to end the relationship. She only cared about herself and I have run out of patience. Her anger and half assed attitude towards this relationship have driven me away.
Today I only thought about her once awhile and sent one email her way. I need time to heal and love myself again. Its the holidays and I need my family and friends surrounding me who love me.

Moments in History for 2007

Occurrences for 2007

1. Shooting at Virginia Tech where 32 people
2. Bridge Collapse in Minneapolis
3. Housing Market Bust
4. Run for the White House
5. Kevin Federline takes a beating in a one-on-one match with WWE champion John Cena during Monday Night RAW in Miami (Jan. 1, 2007).
6. Bob Barker is shown during his final taping of "The Price Is Right" (June 6, 2007).
7. Wildfires burning through the Rancho Bernardo neighborhood of San Diego, Ca 10 22, 2007.
8. Underground steam pipe explodes in Manhatten on July 18 reminescent of 911
9. Marion Jones, Barry Bonds, and Brandon Tomlinson involved in enhancing drugs
10. Former Prez G. Ford dies
11. Rutgers Univ vs
12. Steve Jobs introduces iphone and nano iphone
13. Nobel Peace Prize Albert Arnold Gore jr and IPCC for climate change
14. Nobel Prize for Chemistry Gerhard Ertl for his chemistry work on solid

13. Some people who have died this year
Ando, Momofoku, inventor of instant ramen
Cade, J. Robert, inventor of Gatorade
Dainton, Barbara, Titanic survivor
Johnson, Lady Bird, former First Lady
Kornberg, Arthur, biochemist
Peet, Alfred, coffee guru
Takamoto, Iwao, animator who designed Scooby-Doo
Yeltsin, Boris, Russian politician
Liz Claiborne, 78, fashion designer
Ernest Gallo, 97, winemaker and co-founder of Gallo Winery
Merv Griffin, 82, TV talk show host, game show creator-Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune
Anita Roddick, 64, co-founder, with her husband, Gordon, of the Body Shop
Paul Secon, 91, co-founder of Pottery Barn
Dan Fogelberg, 56, singer-songwriter
Ike Turner, 76, Musician
Evel Knieval, 69, motorcyclist
Luciano Pavarotti, 71, famed tenor
Deborah Kerr, 86, actress, King and I, An Affair to Remember
Joey Bishop, 89, Last surviving member of Sinatra Rat Pack
Robert Clark, 67, director of "A Christmas Story" died in drunken driving accident
Robert Goulet, 73, musical performer
Norman Mailer, 84, American literary titan
Ira Levin, 78, author, Rosemary's Baby, The Stepford Wives, Boys from Brazil, Deathtrap,
Dick Wilson, 91, character actor best known for Mr Whipple
Donda West, 58, Prof of Eng Lit, and mother to Kanye West
Madeleine L'Engle, 88, auther of "A Wrinkle in Time"
Art Buchwal, 81, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist and satirist
Kurt Vonnegut, 84, master novelist
Tom Poston, 85, actor on Newhart and Mork and Minday show
Joel Siegel, 63, film critic

Oh where did the year go?

Sunday is my birthday, or is it? I can go on about my mishandled life this past year ad nauseum, but I wont. A streak of bad luck followed me and there was nothing I could do about it.
Friday, Thuy and I went out to the movies to watch "I am Legend." This movie gives science a bad name, about curing cancer and unleashing a viral plague on humanity...hmmm.
San informs me for my birthday I will have a threesome of some sort. I decline and feel that she is insensitive. But I follow her advice and goes to meet her that nite, only to be surprised that she has plans for us to go snowboarding with my cousin Tiger at Lake Tahoe. Its kinda a 3some :-) We drove up and checkinto our rental before heading to Sugarbowl. After all that, we were on the slopes by 2pm. I tried teaching San snowboarding; she wanted to go on the lift and go down. I was hesitant but we went anyways. San got stuck about 1/3 down and had to be rescued. However, she was a good sport about it. We went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant and turned in early since both of us was not feeling well. Coming home on Sunday, we talked more about our childhood and what makes us react. We were able to arrive in time for my birthday party with family and friends around 2pm. The Goolishes came along with Robin and Jana. The curtains are drawn and I am left in the nite, still feeling alone.

Jetsetting to slightly East Europe

Overview of my week jaunt to Zagreb,Croatia; Frankfurt, Germany, and Amsterdam, Holland, blessed with good fun and good weather.

Landing, busing, and then taxing into the capital of Croatia, i was struck that most people could speak English, after meeting a few folks at the hotel, around town, and at a conference on translation tools. At nite San and I walked around downtown to feel Christmas festivities and watched some traditional dancing. We ate dinner across the street, at a local pizza shop. We even watched Hitman Agent 47 at the local movie theater where we could order cocktails. On our last day, we dared ourselves by driving on their highway system in a lil Ford Clio. We were pushed out of the fast lane as we puttered to Plivitec Lake National Park. For a two hour trip we saw 5min of the spectacular waterfalls before eating an early supper at the local restaurant and rushing back to the airport, barely half an hour before our departing flight.

Next we flew to Frankfurt, Germany, not the capital, which is Berlin. Here we were greeted with the best beer ever. We tried their traditional apple wine (cider) but not as good. We stayed outside the city of Frankfurt, in a town called Offenbach. San ordered sandwiches, mozzarella and tomatoes from the local gas station. We had an awful fight about $85 and purchase of a wallet.

Finally, on the last leg of our trip we commuted into Amsterdam on the express train ICE. After SFO, this city is a must see. The canals of Amsterdam were mainly built during the Dutch Golden Age in the 17th c, and have led the city to being termed the "Venice of the North".[1] [2][3] [4] The three main canals Herengracht, Prinsengracht, and Keizersgracht form a concentric belt around the city, known as the grachtengordel. From what i heard, it smells a lot better too!! Of course, we visited Van Gogh Museum, Anne Frank House, and the Red Light District where women stood to display their goods.

We found out that Heineken is a Dutch abv pale lager made by Heineken International since 1868 when H. Elion finished the development of the Heineken A-yeast. This is the yeast that is still used for the beer.[1] Since 1975 most Heineken beer is brewed in the Heineken brewery in Zoeterwoude, the Netherlands. It is the flagship product of the company, and is made of purified water, malted barley, hops, and yeast. The final product has forced carbonation.

Finally we were fascinated by Holland's coffeeshops where you can purchase mj, mushrooms, and hash at a reasonable price.

What is not to love about this city? :)

Therapy breakthru

Tired and drain...from both sides
Rejection and Trust issues...
Feeling of the heart (happy sad joy disappt) and thinking intellectual (analysis and conclusions)
Stimulating intellectually and following thru with what one says...
Growing from inside and leaving when done...emotional vampire...to feel good about oneself but making others feel bad, blaming others, holding grudges...


After assessing the situation with as much openness as possible, i cannot help but conclude that i am running out of patience. Emotional upheaval is equated to spiritual growth, anger outbursts are equated with expressing one-self. passive aggressiveness in the financial sense "i will pay for it, but i feel used." (then I would say, dont pay for it). love me forever expectation without knowing what it really means...emotionally draining on the other person.

I want a healthy relationship: to feel loved and respected. Like she really listens without judging and projecting. Is it too much to ask to find someone who loves me, will take care of me physically, financially and emotionally (empathy)?

Evanescence(E) et Sic Puppies(SP)

San and I went to downtown SJ for Evanescence concert at SJSU Event Center on S. 7th Street. For 20bux we had fun listening to him and her perform live! the SP were loud but not yet matured. Evanescence had a presence, with her attire, voice, dance, and piano solo. I'm glad San liked Evanescence. She likes mellow music. Afterwards, we went to a bar, San had beer and I had a martini. Life is good tonite, different from yesterday. Being with her is like a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes, I wonder why she resists the universe, when I can feel it pulling, i let it. When she feels it she pushes, and it is not good results. Her car was almost towed, she was late to Oracle presentation, she was crouchy, and the bridge closed down by 11 on us.

Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors

leading you down into my core

where I’ve become so numb

without a soul my spirit sleeping

somewhere cold until you find it

there and lead it back home

Wake me up inside (I can’t wake up)

Wake me up inside(Save me)

call my name and save me from the dark(Wake me up)

bid my blood to run(I can’t wake up)

before I come undone(Save me)

save me from the nothing I’ve become now

that I know what I’m without you

can't just leave me

breathe into me and make me real

Bring me to life(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)

Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch

without your love

darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see

kept in the dark

but you were there in front of me

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems

got to open my eyes to everything

without a thought without a voice without a soul

don't let me die here

there must be something more

bring me to life

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave'

Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]When you cried

I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

Therapy tells all

We found this therapist who has done us a world of good. At times she is like a meditator for our fights, other time she gives us perspective and other ways of communication.

1. step back and just chill
2. ownership of words and actions. sticking to it.
3. its not only the end result but the process
4. one is a doer and one is a talker
5. on/off button that takes me out of the limelight

And ... Action

After months of refusing her San was able to put me into front of the camera and made me a star (Attribute it to her lawyering trait of persistence and flattery and pleading). The filming was done over the weekend, and will debut at next year's Women of Color Film Festival, and if its really good, International Film circuit. Friday and Saturday nites we had a breakdown spiraling out of control and it still came down to differences between how we operate. I told her that I didnt want to practice with her and she thought I didnt care. I find sometimes when we go down this path, it makes us put up shields and lose control of the way we communicate. Evntually we calmed down and she had to loosen control and let us practice our lines that nite. We came together and did a good rehearsal. We gave it our best artistic expression and finished it on Sunday after around 4pm. My house was put back into order whereupon I was relieved. Although the lighting was off, the characters forgot their lines, we didnt have a camera man at some pt, and everyone was tense by the end of the weekend, we, San and I, pulled it off. Somehow.

Florida Rest

Florida is smaller than California, driving from Key Largo to Orlando took about 4 hours. Kudos to my driver, San.

Key Largo is a strip of land that stretches beyond the town of Homeland located on the tip of Florida. The Keys has a tropical island feel, flanked with swampland, cypresses, coconut trees, mosquitoes and alligators. As we drove down the turnpike (or what I like to refer to as loose coin dumping) then onto Card Sound Road, it felt like we were drawn into an old movie of Thelma and Louise. On Thursday the weather was gorgeous, the sun bright and the wind slightly blowing, and just remnants of a tropical storm from previous days. We stopped by a clothing and sandal outlet stores on our way to Sundiver boat for some water fun. Snorkeling in my bikini felt good because the water was about 78C for the month of October; visibility was for at least 60ft and the waves were not choppy. Underwater photography of jellyfishes, along with nurse sharks and tropical fishes was easily captured. Coral reefs were far and in between and nothing to write about. Kudos again for San, 1) for going into the waters with me and 2) not regurgitating her lunch with motion of the waves.

Traveling from the tip of Florida to Miami Beach, Hollywood Beach, and South Beach was relatively close. MB was not memorable. The heart of HB were old retirement homes where the air is humid and stale, with the feel of old money (as opposed to crisp new dollar bills ;- ) and its boardwalk are lined by endless surf shops and bars. Waved in by old guy, we ate sandwich and seafood appetizers while gazing out to the beach, but the food was mediocre, so we moseyed onto another bar. This time, before noon (PST) we ordered beer and margaritas, and satisfying seafood. SB is the quintessential art deco personified by the multitude of restaurants / bars where we felt like we were transported back into the 20s the Great Gatsby era with its neon lights and building architecture.

Tuesday nite entertainment was totally fun. I wanted to go gambling so we embarked on a 4 hour cruise on board the Aquasino with free buffet and drinks and $100 comp. San and I gambled mostly at roulette table and some at craps to win $300. What good luck we have together. For the rest of the nite, we laid on deck and watched the stars and night skies.

Kissimmee and Orlando and Daytona were bunched together but driving to each city was a feat in itself (evident on Friday nite when we missed dropping San off at the Orlando Airport although dinner at Slingapore restaurant on Wall Street in downtown Orlando was quaint). Florida not only had turnpikes every few miles, but also last minute exits and multiple freeways turnoffs (at least 3-4). We were astounded by the highway system and wished east meant land and west meant coastline. The cities were tourist traps full of attractions and hotels. On Friday we found the Daytona Speedway where the Bikotober Festival was taking place. Everywhere were Motorcycles and its vendor wares. We purchased leather jackets, chaps and goggles. On Saturday we visited the Kennedy Space Center and experienced simulated rocket ride, watched IMAX movie “Space Station 3D” narrated by Tom Cruise and toured the facility site. On Sunday, we relaxed at the waterpark “Blizzard Beach” with its circular pool, vertical drops, and long winding waterslides.

I needed a vacation to relax. San came with me. We enjoyed and endured being together 24/7. Florida is warm and humid but too old for me. I thank my lucky stars i live in California. There was a Vietnamese Sushi restaurant. Overall, I had fun and can say I've been to Florida Keys.

This week

My mind wanders more than usual. The season changes, and I am staying constant. Worries about house bills, family responsibilities, neglected dog, next week trip to Florida, making San happy, my mothers 4th year memorial, work re-org-ing; all this makes me sad.

What makes me happy? Setting some personal goals and finishing them. Going home and lying in bed and reading. Taking a long warm shower, letting the wetness consume me. Renovations in my house including adding a mantel to the fireplace this Thursday. Reading and re-reading my high school mate email today. Thinking about and planning out my garden for next spring and summer.

This past year, I didnt grow any sunflowers but my grape vines are doing well. My cherry tomatoes didnt die, instead they bloomed on their own again. My red bell peppers are happily growing as I blog. My orange and lemon tree are still fruiting gloriously under no supervision. Sadly, my italian tree in the front yard died from underwatering, so did the lawn, in fact. Ive neglected my front yard badly. I will need to reconcile it this winter, with a decent sprinkler sysem.

Motorbikes motorbikes motorbikes

Friday nite was Motorbike HOHO at Gne. San wanted to come and check it out. It was fun to have her there, drinking beer, and absorbing the Gne culture. We went for therapy session afterwards, and this time it was better. What a difference. Taking a short nap before meeting up with Rachael at DNA Lounge on 11th/Harrison.
Saturday, we breakfast Cant Fail Cafe in Oakland. We watched people, read the Sunday edition, soaked up some rays. Driving back to my place to pickup her HD bike, with the seats and shocks replaced, we wanted to ride around the neighborhood. Later, we went out to dinner at 2223 Restaurant in the Castro district with Colleen and Robin. I was suppose to go to the symphony.
Sunday was spent going to Best Buy to exchange San laptop (under 14days, 14% restocking fee) and buy myself a cheaper memory card for my new Sony Powershot A560. We also went to look at condos on both days, newly built or remodeled, preferably in Oakland, for San. Back at her place we tried installing new door latches but didnt have a drill. Dinner was at a horrible Korean restaurant with Sylvia and Julie, before we headed back to my place, to take care of my poor neglected dog.

Quality

So i have been warned about the quality of my work...its not that i am getting sloppy but i get weird results and dont question it sometimes and then it gets presented.

1)The suggestion is to go over all data and generate history table to compare current results from past runs.
2)I could also put in some controls, other proteins, to see if it gets expected results to rule out instrument and columns and buffers.
3) is it in the water? making my proteins aggregate? come on, its in the buffer and then diluted. Solution is not to use water, dilute with formulation buffer or mobile phase.

Luckily it wasnt my fault completely. I need to establish trust that all data coming from me is reliable and the no. are solid and verified. Its like schoolwork, once submitted to my boss/professor it will receive a grade for accuracy. In this case, my job performance review.

I also need to label more explicitly protein/date/etc...

Sensitivity

The small touches in life is what makes you stop and take notice, learn about intimacy
1. someone took my dishes away when my hands were full
2. somoene helped me clean the floors when i shattered a bottle of juice
3. someone gave me a piece of fruit for lunch without me asking for it
4. someone shared a story from their childhood with me
5. someone saved two pieces of candy for me

Evening Dinner chez Dalia

Dalia’s house is found in the old district of University Heights near downtown San Diego. She and her husband bought the house to live and raise their family. The front courtyard provided a beautiful view of outlying area below; tables were setup for a catered dinner. I received my name tag, and signed in my name, address and email address. We were also given a CD of nostalgic 80's music.hahaha. The women were dressed up in gowns, with makeup and accessories. I felt like I was at a high society function. However with name tags, the faces became more familiar. We had a professional photographer take our pictures. I greeted and chatted with different women, found our old yearbook, and compared how we have changed from the 80s puffy hairstyles to the new chic 21st century look. We were asked to make a page for our new scrapbook, answering questions such as: list some activities since high school, memories of OLP and its values that were instilled in you, the dreams you still hope to accomplish. After a few beers and a glass of wine, it was difficult for me to be coherent for this task. We prayed before dinner and had a moment of silence for those not at the reunion and one persons death. As we settled into dinner, I would circulate and sit between 4 different tables, listening and taking part in the conversation. The ongoing queue of questions: how are YOU, are you married, any kids, what did you do after you graduated, and where are you living now? The cheerleaders were accomplished with masters and teaching. The down-to-earth women who ran our class are now leaders and integral part of their local community and political scene. The quiet ones are teachers, moviemakers, nurses, scientists, doctors and business entrepreneur. Some had in-vitro fertilization to conceive, others had twins, one found out she couldn’t have kids, and two are starting a family carrying a child, due in Oct or Nov. We had cake and cookies for dessert, followed by Shannon’s famous soliloquy sonnet, rehashing our past and comparing it to our present “the girls of when.” We were once girls who were not legal to drink, who waited to lose to our virginity (even the cheerleaders), who acted silly and serious, who thought the world was our oyster (still do), who felt our innocent youth, now give way to women with families, lost love, tort cases, and careers, we have found our lives both rewarding and challenging, all awhile knowing "defeat" and "giving up" were not a part of our vocabulary. We listened, we cried, we cheered and raised our glasses to the women of today.

Recapping my 20 year reunion

We started this morning with a tour at OLP, my alma mater on Oregon Street. As I stood at the entry gate door, the feeling of being lost hit me, ever slightly. Then I realized that I was no longer that shy quiet girl; today I am a confident woman who has accomplished a lot in her own right. I have traveled the world, I have worked for many biotech companies and I have met the pope. I introduced myself, excused myself for not remembering their names, and we begin to become re-acquainted. The assembly of some 40 girls, who looked the same as when they were in their teens, seems wiser to the world. Lots of them married, with husbands and kids. There was a sense of camaraderie and shared Christian values as we traveled down the halls of villa montemar. The front office was still occupied by the formidable Sr. Dolores and Sr. Joy, the Sisters of Corondolet and across is where the secretary, Ms Prantil still sits. The doors to the drama dept is closed off and replaced with a mural. A new door took us to a room, so modern unrecognizable by me. I remember sitting in the front row for acting class a long time ago. Moving along, we felt nostalgic at the grey metal lockers and the wooden staircases leading to our small and safe classrooms. We went into our old dance studio, our modern chemistry/biology rooms and our newly built gymnasium. We asked about our teachers: Ms. Fegley (my AP English teacher) Ms Wiedower (my chemistry teacher) Ms Carbou (my dance teacher) Ms Herb (my drama teacher). We descended the outside steps to our rally courtyard next to the vending machines and microwave, where we ate many lunches and spent countless afternoons rallying in spirit assemblies overlooking mission valley below. We moved to the new courtyard, where the swimming pool used to be, now adorned with beautiful saintly statue of Mother Mary flanked by well maintained gardens and water fountains. The guide took us to the graduation lawn where we had stood for the final time on that solemn day many many summers ago. She reminded us that at our 50th year reunion we could participate in the at the time current graduating class (we all started counting how old we would be). The path lead us to the chapel, and then our aerial observatory. In this room, we had astronomy and advance math classes. I also had "Justice for Humanity" taught by Sr. Nora; she told us to be leaders, and protect those who could not and follow in the steps of M.Ghandi, N. Mandela, and Mother Teresa. Finally, the tour ended and we had come full circle; it was like reading a novel of Daniel Steel.

what have i done this year 2007?

New job, new boss, new dept, new expectations, new chance.
justin timberlake/pink and keane concerts, True Colors Tour w/ Cyndi Lauper
ski trip with GLS and yosemite bug with Rachael
Kings Canyon Camping with GLS and Sequioa B&B with Y, A, and R.
Horseback riding in Sequoia Park
Baseball game with S, then Colleen and S for 756th hr,
LGBT and Octoberfest baseball games
July 4th @ jude & amphitheater with G and EJ
Napa Valley picnic w J and M
Russian River with S and D
New Dining room, next is Kitchen, with new roof and new fence
Workout Trainer, Yoga, and Swimming lessons
Late nite swim lessons w EJ and Thuy
Ethans birthday pool party and Crystals Monterey Music Camp
20th year High School Reunion at OLP
working on my career, my sensitivity and gentleness towards others

Intimacy

What is intimacy?
Intimacy is linked with feelings of closeness, safety, trust and transparency among partners in a collaborative relationship. Intimacy requires empathy - the ability to stand in the other's shoes and - reading the signs for mood changes. Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable. Intimacy requires identity development.
Emotional intimacy is a dimension of interpersonal intimacy that varies in degree and over time, much like physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy can be observed in terms of verbal and non-verbal communication. The degree of comfort, effectiveness and mutual experience of closeness might indicate emotional intimacy between individuals. Intimate communication is both expressed (e.g. talking) and implied (e.g. friends sitting close on a park bench in silence).

Why do people need intimacy?
To feel loved and connected to another human being. Not to feel lonely.

How do you create intimacy?
Creating Intimacy takes maturity and trust. It is a process of quiet expression: building trust, listening w/o judgment, and sharing life moments and acknowledging it. To look beyond oneself and anticipate the needs of the other person. This kind of love is "other-person" focused. It is giving, rather than self-seeking

Betrayal of intimacy can be a traumatic experience. The person can feel cheated as well as humiliated.

Mother Teresa Words of Wisdom

"How much love did you put into what you did? Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. "

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

"I do not ask for success, I ask for faithfulness, not giving away to coldness, unkindness, or impatience."

"There should be less talk; a preaching point is not a meeting point. What do you do then? Take a broom and clean someone's house. That says enough. "

"In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls."

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try."

"Jesus said love one another. He didn't say love the whole world."

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. "

"I think I'm more difficult than critical. "

"I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor? "

"Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness."

To S

I think its over, whatever started out May 05, 2007, has finally ended on Sept 11, 2007.

In some ways, I am deeply saddened; in other way, relieved the funkyness is over. My heart hurts bec I cared about her. I am alone, but not lonely.
Funk#1: Exploding over dotsie and comparing to other dog
Funk#2: Picking me up late at the airport and acting like its no big deal
Funk#3: Riding in the dyke on bike, not really wanting me
Funk#4: Ego about flirting with Rachael and Robin, before q film
Funk#5: Sab and holding me to tell me my faults
Funk#6: Distancing aug 19
Funk#7: Sillimans swimming
Funk#8: Breaking up by me, following week breakup by S with waiting outside white horse
Funk#9: Breaking up after second counseling session, before and after WDC trip


In the beginning, we were both lonely, craved to be understood and loved. At first, the sexual intimacy, the closeness, the holding of hands, holding of bodies. To wake in the middle of the nite and see her sleeping. To lay next to her, and hear her breathe. We needed companionship and renewal on life. We went to Santa Cruz or Half Moon Bay. We went to Women's Weekend, and kayaked down the river. We went to several baseball games, Giants vs Mariners, Giants vs Washington, just to chill and feel alive. We saw each other constantly, missing each other, wanting to be near each other. At some pt, she said i looked like her buddha, and she was God/Jesus.

In her own twisted way: She warned me not to fall in love with her from the very beginning (i.e. not to be intimate with her). She never acknowledge what we had, a brief 4 month relationship. She called us, "single and in couple's counseling". She called me her "pseudo GF". She tells Julia, "You should meet the one i am trying to break up with." And of course, her infamous, "you and I would never be in any "real" relationship." It hurt me so much to hear such words, at times to the point of tears from inside of me. Am I not worth loving? I am merely a possession to her.

Yet, she was willing to let me meet Sylvia and her colleagues. She told me "she loved me," and how important I was to her and how close she felt to me.

Did we connect on any emotional level? Did we really"get" each other? She felt pain and suffereing was her salvation. She thought in order to grow, you need to keep bumping into walls ie conflict. At other times, she felt trapped, scared to commit to another relationship, not wanting to hurt and be hurt again.

She told me how I was a repressed Asian woman. What I told her in confidentiality, she would lash out when she went into one of her rages. She felt i was critical of her, giving her older sister advice. eg with Sab, i told her to leave it alone, and time would heal her. S felt betrayed and not nurtured for her own sad feeling; that i was not empathetic towards her hurt. (From my past experience when one falls in love and it is unrequited love, the in love person is deeply wounded more than the other person. She feels betrayed by this pseudo "I love you", which was thought to be built on friendship and emotional connect. If the other person really was in love with her, she would not have left the relationship. Of course, there has to be something more, physical attraction and mutual respect; S felt like the older sister, not a lover towards sab).

For me, I felt that, like anything in life, we just go for it, and see if it works out. Since we spent so much time together. I wanted to be there for her, to take care of her spiritually and physically. I washed her car, changed her toilet seat, cleaned her house, cooked her dinner, changed the battery on her bike and invested her money. I prayed for her, to see the light, to see how unhealthy her relationships are. Asked her to go to couples counseling, godsake, I would have preferred one-on-one therapy for her only, and resolve some of her problems of childhood resentment and trust issues, feeling of abandonment and desperate need to be loved unconditionally. At times, listening to her, I felt she was lost (maybe i was too quick to judge) with her modular homes, her life plan, her work towards Nobel Peace Prize, and her need to get recognition by title.

As friends, we would need to have the same values -not to steal, lie, or cheat (not there). To feel wanted, loved, and accepted (not there, see above). I needed to know that I could depend on her, day or nite (With the stalker incident and cyst, I felt hurt. She was there but then disappeared. She came down with the note but i had to plead with her). To hear her advice was for my best interest; she would blah blah and I felt her b.s. And what I told her in confidence, I couldnot trust her; she would repeat it to Sylvia or Julia, or use it against me while we were fighting. She judged me as repressed (she says that word a lot). I guess I could NOT trust her, as a friend. In her defense, she did help me with my presentation, organizing it.

When we did talk, we didnt connect. Life, visions, Being, Intimacy, Miracles.

All she wanted was to hear eloquent words, blah blah, without meaning.

Five Languages of Love by Chapman

Affirmation of love: when someone tells you that they value and appreciates you.
Quality of time: when someone spends time and focus their attention on you.
Receiving Gifts: someone not only thinks and cares about you, but also shows it in a tangible way.
Service of love: when someone helps your load and carries some of your responsibilities.
Physical touch: when someone is physically touching you.

Five Languages of Apology
Expressing Regret: Saying Im sorry, an expression of sorrow to lessen the pain.
Accepting Responsibility: maturity with the apology, taking responsibility of the wrong action
Restitution: besides saying it, back it up with action
Genuinely Repenting: to make sure it does not occur again
Restoration: that person values the relationship and sincerely wants to restore it.

Existence and Faith

Death is the absence of life.

If you are willing to search your own heart and confess any wrong discovered, then you can feel at peace, even though you are not particularly happy with the situation at hand. You then can be a positive force for change, rather than compounding the problem with your attitude.

San n I have been to three couple counseling sessions (after being together for 4mth). 1. she is sending mix messages. 2. if i am unhappy why am i still here? 3. Storenbergs 3 legs of love: intimacy, passion, commitment. 4. Gary Chapman 5 languages of love.

Improvement within self
1)Having confessed your failures and accepted God’s forgiveness, ask your partner to forgive you. Then ask God to let you be His agent for loving your partner. Ask Him to fill you with His Spirit and His love.
2)Forget about your feelings. You do not have to feel anything to love your spouse. Feelings may change because of your actions, but feelings should not dictate your actions. Choose to love your mate, A Couple's Guide to a Growing Marriage no matter how you feel.
3)Express love to your mate by word or action once each day for the next month. Perhaps you could begin with a compliment each day for the next week.
Do not allow your mate’s reaction to stifle your love. Nothing your mate does can stop your love as long as you choose to love. Why stop when love is your greatest weapon for good and growth? 4)Consider the possibility of accepting in your mate some imperfection that has irritated you for years. If you decide to accept it, be sure to tell your mate. Such acceptance can be a positive step in your own emotional growth.
5)Few individuals can resist genuine, unconditional love for more than a year. Why not start today? Make this the greatest year of your marriage. Many have found that in less than a month, love has begotten love, and their whole marriage has been turned around.

Anger Management
We can process our anger in a productive manner. Here are five steps for moving from anger to positive, loving action.
1)Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. Say the words out loud. “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement makes you aware of your own anger and also helps you recognize both your anger and the action you are going to take. You have set the stage for applying reason to your anger.
2)Restrain your immediate response. Avoid the common but destructive responses: verbal or physical venting, or their opposite, withdrawal and silence.
3)Locate the focus of your anger. What words or actions by the other person have made you experience anger? Whatever the cause of your anger, locate it. If the person has truly wronged you, identify the person’s sin. How has he or she wronged you? Then determine the seriousness
Hope for the Separated of the offense. Some wrongs are minor and some are major.Knowing its seriousness should affect your response.
4)Analyze your options. The response should be positive and loving. The two most constructive options are to lovingly confront the person or to consciously decide to overlook the matter.
5)Take constructive action.If you choose to “let the offense go,” then express this decision to God. Confess your anger and your willingness to turn the person over to the righteous and just God. Then release your anger to Him. If you choose to lovingly confront the person who has wronged you, do so gently. Listen to any explanation; it can give you a different perspective on the person’s actions and intentions. If the person admits that what he or she did was wrong and asks you to forgive, do so.

from Awakening: A Sufi Experience

Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan
"Meditators become like 'ambassadors of the Universe,' whose mission is to display the qualities of the Divine King or Queen to whom they have dedicated their lives in eternal service. Their personalities robed in the richness of the Being of the Universe, they display their royal attributes in the same way ambassadors display medals, ribbons, and uniforms."

"Training oneself to see things from the Divine point of view is key to understanding the essence of Sufism: it is the 'global compass' that offsets the personal vantage point, the 'true north' orienting one's direction in life. This is why the Sufis aim at downplaying their personal view in order to espy the Divine point of view."

"As ours is a way of light, the work we do as followers of the path of Sufism is to help others become conscious that they are beings of light. Just like a potter works with clay to shape a pot, work with light practices helps individuals become more luminous and radiant. Becoming more skilled in the art of illumination catalyzes transformation. How would the world be different if, for example, all of us were to reclaim our inheritance as members in a "tribe of light" who vow to bring enlightenment to all creation."

"You cannot bargain with God. If you value what you think you might have to give up, don't give it up, because you will find conflict within yourself. The whole of life is a covenant with the unknown. Nothing risked, nothing gained."

"The fire of resentment can only be extinguished by the light of forgiveness."

"You can only know yourself by earmarking the traces of God's being in your personality"

"It may well be that the meeting of spiritual paths — the assimilation not only of one’s personal spiritual heritage, but that of the human community as a whole — is the distinctive spiritual journey of our time."

Labor Day Weekend Sept 1, 2007

Where did the time go? What did I do? Friday nite, i had my teeth whitened and then Robin came over for dinner. Saturday morning, I went to the police station to file a report on a stalker who has been leaving me dirty notes. San with her attitude of promising and forgetting drives down to drop off the note. We made up, she worked on my presentation, and later we went to a Pleasure Zone dinner at the Supper Club; 3 dishes in 4 hours, with lots of swingers etc... Lesson learnt is free tix should not always be accepted. Sunday, I went to the Oakland Arts and Soul Festival, and heard Lucinda Williams sing. That nite, Pals group had a party to welcome home Kim. Interesting nite, when drinks are flowing. I was flattered by two women. Monday, we lazily woke to washing, cleaning, and fixing San's car. Later we walked Billy and joined P & K for a bbq. San settled in with a movie and i cleaned house.

Reason or Season

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed or not expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and emotional support. To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at a convenient time, the relationship ends, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the Lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other Relationships and areas of your life.

I remember growing up, she was always there for me. Physically and emotionally. I needed her to grow. Then oneday the friendship ended, for no apparent reason. Perhaps, i was healed and she was no longer needed. My season with her lasted 8 to 10 years. Then out of the blue, a new person came into my life and replaced that missing part. I have known her for almost 11 years; she has taken care of me with jobs and meals.

Bats, Sequioas, and Bears, Oh my!

Thursday nite, Yun's family, Renee and I stopped over at Nguyen Vu for lunch before driving towards B&B in the foothills of Sequoia NPS. The four hour drive went thru Fresno heat and humidity; we arrived all safe and sound. We dined near the Park's entrance, at Getaway which had a river running below it. We all turned in early and rose around 7am excited to start our adventure. We explored the bat/crystal cave then the sequoia forest with hiking trails, spotting a mother bear and her two cubs, and winding car drives. By Friday nite we were all exhausted but felt bonded, so we settled into the nite by sharing a good movie. Sat morning we met up with Angelinas family for horseback riding around Grant Grove and tree. We shared lunch before all, except Angelinas family, went home. I stayed with her family to help with exploration of caves and dead Giant Sequioas, where we saw deers crossing the road. Although i enjoyed my park, it was time to depart. We had a grand time; we missed some folks like Cassandra and Bill, Allan and Pearl, and Lee.

As Angelina drove us out of the park, we begin planning our next near and far adventures, to Seattle for oysters and clams, or to the Galapagos islands and Amazon Forest. thats right, I have found my partner for world discovery. Returning from Brazil/Argentina I wanted so much to go to the Amazon rainforest and Galapagos before man destroys everything he touches.

Summer Prayer
May you breathe in the beauty of summer with its power of transformation
May this beauty permeate all that feels un beautiful in you
May you seek and find spaces of repose during these summer months
May you be open to times of celebration and recreation that are so much a part of summer
May you find happiness in these times of play and pleasure
May your eyes see the wonders of summer's colors
May these colors delight you and entice you into contemplation and joy.
May you savor fresh produce thatcomes to your table and enjoy the fruits of summers bounty
May you enjoy the unexpected and find surprises of beauty and happiness as you travel the roads of summer vacations. Amen

This summer may your commitment to spiritual growth be as obvious as the wonders that take place in your backyard. When summer is over, the inner beauty and tenacity which defines your spirit, will go on awaiting the blossoming of new memories next year. "Anythng that is real has no beginning and no end." Remen.

Summer comes to a close, as I called my cousins to wish them a good school year, and to wish my uncle happy birthday. Lastly, this September 15, I will go to my 20th high school reunion. So many summers ago.

Epiphany

Did we turn a corner after a horrible weekend? She made me cry. We felt pain. We felt loss. I was letting go. She was resisting.

We relented and she drove down to see me Monday nite. Then last nite, we talked, we shared, and i finally observed her sleeping. i told her i just wanted to kiss her. she didnt need to please me.

And this morning kiss was one of the best kisses ive ever had in my life (except for the one that smelled like peaches and cream).

And this afternoon, she said she was my girlfriend. So much resistance. Now, finally, admission.

Man's greatest need is to achieve, yet it is not only the end result but the quest. As i traveled on this path of life, i would like to say that i make a contribution to society, working to make a difference by doing research on potential drugs to conquer cancer. Currently, i am working on a drug treatment for prostrate cancer.

But this past month or so, i feel so lonely, like nothing matters. Perhaps, my soul calls out and wants warmth. I read and contemplate and fill my depleted vessel.

Quotes from Helen Keller:

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.

Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therein to be content.

I do not want the peace which passes understanding, I want the understanding which bring peace.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.

Literature is my Utopia.

Here I am not disenfranchised. No barrier of the senses shuts me out from the sweet, gracious discourses of my book friends. They talk to me without embarrassment or awkwardness.

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness.

It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit.

One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.

People do not like to think. If one thinks, one must reach conclusions.

Conclusions are not always pleasant.

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world.

Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousand of miles and all the years you have lived.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt within the heart.

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.

The highest result of education is tolerance.

Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings.

August 4th, 2007 weekend.

This past weekend :

Friday nite, upset for being stood up by S, i went home tired. J asked me out to Varnish for drinks and look at artwork; she had a mango sake and i had a vanilla martini. Afterwards we went to a nearby club. She offered me a quickie, but i declined and went to S--I needed my stuff back. She became upset. We talked and made up. (i am not sure how much more i can take of her immaturity).

Sat we breakfast in Rockridge, stopped by Godspeed bar, in Oakland. This place is the bomb! motorcycles and religious icons filled the room, not to mention the tattoo parlor, and upstair all-you-can eat breakfast bar. That evening i went into the city to meet up with Rach and watch Stardust. I liked the movie, bec it was magical and heartfelt.

Sunday started with shopping at Home Depot, Big Lots, and Ross for rubbermaid tool shed, wet vacuum cleaner, and metal shelves. Billy had his shots and needs his Newark license renewal. I cleaned house and then went swimming at Sillimans waterplayground. We ended the day with dinner and watching "The Last King of Scotland." (Again, its mostly her agenda).

Barry Bonds 756th HR

Unbelievable! To be there, at that moment in time, from a spur of the moment decision.I remember that the Giants were in town, and Col had mentioned she wanted to go to a game (she is in a wheelchair). And so I called her up, knowing she would be thrilled and asked if she wanted to join me. I made contact with D for available tix and then we were set for tomorrow nite’s game. As I helped S move to her new job, she felt she would be late for her tri meeting and asked if she could join in. We parked the car in our secret place and proceeded to find Danny. We met up with Col around 724pm and went up to our seats.

On that breezy yet cool Tuesday evening, August 7th, 2007, we rushed in after work to be among a huge San Francisco home crowd. In the 5th inning with 3 balls and 2 strikes lead, Barry Bonds stifled a fastball from Washington Nationals left-hander Mike Bacsik and hit the historical homerun into right center field bleachers for the 756th home run of his career, breaking the record Hank Aaron had claimed from Babe Ruth in 1974. Thus, Barry Bonds became the most prolific home run hitter of all time in baseball history becoming "the Road to History". As he hit the ball, the sound of the bat, the flashes from cameras everywhere, and everyone following the direction of the ball, he knew he had done it. He walked around the bases, hugged his son, and family, and made a short speech to his fans, his teammates, his father and mother. We were a part of history. We were there!

August in the 70S

Summer blogging will end soon. OMG we only have a month or so left, of warm weather and free concerts, before fall comes rolling in. Already Sunday felt chilly, a foreshadow of what to come.

This past weekend was crazy driving. Friday nite, i drove all the way to SF Speaksy bar on Columbus for happy hours with San and her colleagues. She left her car in the city and drove home with me. The next morning we drove to Woodside for dog training course; then we drove into the city to pick up her car. We ate at Penang and drove to Sports Basement. Afterwards, I drove down to Shoreline to meet with Thuy and watch Bourne Ultimatum. We ate dinner in downtown MtnVw before we went late nite swimming with EJ. That was really fun!! I drove up to see San in Berkeley and stayed over. The next morning we had breakfast together, went to a bike shop, came back to my place to rest, biked around the reserve, before she barted back home. Still trying to figure her out.

Recapping of my weekends for July

Recapping my July weekends...

July 14, 2007: On a health craze I pedaled around SM bridge/Marina area for 3 hours to raise money for Bike for Breathe Tour benefitting Asthma research; I contributed $45 to the cause. The next day, San, Dotsie and I woke up at the crack of dawn to do the AIDS Walk starting at Sharons Meadow. Surprisingly tons of people showed up for this event despite the dismal, danky, and foggy weather. And I was so proud of Dotsie, who, with his short lil legs, walked all 10km (6.2miles) in 3 hours (I raised $150 for this benefit).

July 21, 2007: EJAmandaTh and I watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix. We had a blast with popcorn, icee drinks, candies, and lots of talking. (It is always fun hanging out with them and feeling young again!) That evening was dancing at the Cafe t party with Rachael and Aaronette. For Sunday, I drove with Y see Crystal, who is training at the Monterey Music Camp. I even got a chance to ride my bike along Pebbles Golf Course Beachfront.

July28, 2007: End of the month, starting Friday, we took in the Giants baseball game (see post below). The morning after we swam at Aquatic Park off of North Pt and Polk. Then Ethan celebrated his 9th birthday with a pool party. Harry Potter and Deathly Hollows book, big balloons, Harry Potter Jelly Belly Jelly Beans were given to him . Rounding out the evening, we dined at Nha Toi, a Vn restaurant off of 11th and Williams in San Jose.

Oh, as an interjection, S and I toured both Budweiser and Jelly Belly Factories.

GiAnTs and Florida Marliners Game

We decided that this Friday feels like baseball game nite; although S was tired of driving into the city I was excited. We bought tix from scalper Danny, who also showed us free parking and introduced us to free beer. Hand in hand we walked into the AT&T ball pen. At the beginning of the game Bonds hits his 754th homerun (one more would tie him to Hanks Aaron's record) and the game was tied 1 to1. By the time we sat down on the bleachers it was 3rd inning and the Giants were down 6 to 3 (hey, we needed more beer and two dogs with all the works). Bond was standing in the outfield in his tight ass uniform and we appreciate the view from behind. It felt right to be there tonite, as the magic floated in the foggy air lite only by the full moon. This moment in time was perfect! The momentum continued as it seems one after the other, runs and hits were being made, and no one was picked off. By the 8th inning the score was 12 to 9 with Giants overtaking the MArliners. By the top of the ninth inning we sighed a relief as the Marliners scored only one more run. The game was over but the magic lingered as fireworks lit the nite sky over the park to pay tribute to AIDS research until one day there is a cure.

cyst appearance

So i am melodramatic. the cyst is benign developed from the corpus luteum ; and with hormone treatment, it should shrink within 3months. the bleeding has stopped, and i am feeling much better. Or at least relieved.

Another is a corpus luteum cyst (which may rupture about the time of menstruation, and take up to three months to disappear entirely). This type of functional cyst occurs after an egg has been released from a follicle. The follicle then becomes a new, temporarily little secretory gland that is known as a corpus luteum. The ruptured follicle begins producing large quantities of estrogen and progesterone in preparation for conception. If a pregnancy doesn't occur, the corpus luteum usually breaks down and disappears. It may, however, fill with fluid or blood, causing the corpus luteum to expand into a cyst, and stay on the ovary. Usually, this cyst is on only one side, and does not produce any symptoms.[10][11][12] It can however grow to almost 4 inches in diameter and has the potential to bleed into itself or twist the ovary, causing pelvic or abdominal pain. If it fills with blood, the cyst may rupture, causing internal bleeding and sudden, sharp pain. The fertility drug clomiphene citrate (Clomid, Serophene), used to induce ovulation, increases the risk of a corpus luteum cyst developing after ovulation. These cysts don't prevent or threaten a resulting pregnancy.[13][14] Women on birth control pills usually do not form these cysts; in fact, preventing these cysts is one way the pill works.[15]

pre-4th of July GLS camping out

Is it when you are in nature that the meaning of life comes at you?

Perhaps, the vastness of the sky, the power of the sea, the wilderness of the living. After coming back from my camping trip, contemplation of life cometh.

In college, i studied religions of the world. i read books from spiritual leaders like Julian of Norwich, Thomas Merton, Thomas Aquinas, D. Lama and Jesus. i meditated on the existence of something greater than myself. i believed in re-incarnate and past life.

on the other hand, i majored in science, and refuted the existence of a greater being. if we cannot use our senses to observe, how can we prove it exist? i went into a biology course and out of gases and electricity produced single cell existence. we debated evolution vs creation.

Spirituality pertains to the spirit, to the religious. Morality is a code of conduct based on values such as honesty, fairness, non lying, non stealing, non cheating.

in high school, i learnt that we are called to act justly, to love tenderly with others and ourselves, and to walk humbly with our Creator. we are feminists, active conscionable objectors, and peaceful civil disobedience activist for those weaker than us, those who have no voice.

my weekend ended with no conclusion. so i settled into the nite as the fireworks were set off, and all i did was kiss the ones i loved.

when one door closes another door opens

People come and go, leaving footprints in your life. Some cause chaos, others just fade away. Are we aware of such losses? In the past year, after traveling to Japan, I lost T. all the while R. continues to be my friend. In a bizarre way B. is now my online friend while J. is more real. Aaron whom I met at the Cafe and Robin are certainly real. Cam comes and goes. Finally, it is L. that I am disappointed in. Although I have only known her a short period of time, we gave it a go, but we didnt mesh. Then she just broke it off; it felt weird. So I must grapple with what she has done to me. Like she pulled the rug from under me, without warning. She invites me to all these events; she invites herself to my house. Then one day she announces that she no longer wants to be my friend. Shameful and unaware. I have only met one other person like this. She leaves chaos in the wake and trambles on my being. My soul hurts.

Last nite, I had a long talk with S about reaching spiritual, emotional, and physical connection with someone. I have always believe in this, but not really said it out loud. It just happens, and when it does, it means you are in love. The other person has reached out, taken hold of you, and connected with you on all three levels. They utterly and completely understand your being. They are your soulmate, someone you identify with and morph as one: the unspoken words, the understanding, the presence, and the word which build and beautify your being.

Now, walks in Mia. Shazam. like a lightening bolt. her writing moves me, her psyche so far probes mine. we are conversing via email without having met. can you connect emotionally and spiritually without meeting ? Is that what the internet is all about? is it even real?

Summer thus Far

Where has the summer gone???

Summer kicked off with May/June activities: Starting a new job. Finishing the remodeling of the dining room. Going to Guerneville for Women's weekend. Neutered Dotsie. Having a bbq at my house on Memorial Weekend then to Napa Vallely to visit Amorosa Castille with Jana and Minna. We also went to Oyster Farm, where we ran out of gas, and visited Pt Reyes Winery. Thuy, Jana, Rachael and I went to the Stern Grove Festival on Sunday, June 17. Flying down to San Diego, to attend Cop's High School Graduation, going to the zoo with Nathan and Cop and celebrating Pin's 23rd birthday. It was good to see my aunts, Don and his wife, Donna, and Huyen. For Gay Pride on June 23, I was riding on the motorbike with San. This Friday is Gay Color Tour Concert before the July 4th Camping trip at Kings Canyon NP with Rachael and GLS group. For July, more activities: installation of a new entry door, remodeling my kitchen and backyard buildup. Diving for abalone July 8th. Making a minimovie, training Dotsie on Basic manners, and more training for myself on swimming, running, and biking. Yep, I am doing a triathlon, specifically, the Treasure Island Triathlon in Nov. I have 5months to train and workout. Yoga and stretching will help. I will keep updating my summer events as the summer progresses. So many things to do, so lil time.

midlife crisis fast approaching

I think midlife crisis is about finding answer to the age old question: what is the purpose of my life? what is the meaning of life?

we can continue to debate this until we are blue in the face or we can start by setting personal achievable goals that defines who we are as a person. we cannot really answer the former questions without asking our maker. So what are some goals do people make? back to a simple non stressful life, running a triatholon, making trustworthy friends, mending fences, forgiving oneself.

we are who we are when we were born. we are shaped by our parents, by our family, by our friends, by our peers, by our experiences. So we set out to put motions into actions.

who am I? what are my values? what do i strive to become?
honesty, ethical, admired, respected, diligent, responsible, faithful, kind, good natured, integrity

how can i achieve such qualities?
being honest face reality question have mentors quality of work setting a good example conscientious loyal protective private non gossip direct with tactfulness living the moment not passive aggressive being a good citizen

Newer Generation

I had lunch with an old friend tonite. We have known each other since high school. But only now, as adults, weve come to know our past. I listened as she revealed that she didnt know who her real father was, that she had no roots, that her only blood family are her kids. She wanted so much to find out her past history, her lineage. She wanted it for herself and to share that with her kids.

I, on the other hand, grew up in a large family and even a larger extended family from Vn. At times, I was not always happy with family life. But over the years, with less and less drama, I realized that my family is getting easier to manage. We have a better understanding of each other. However, there will always be misunderstanding and bygones cannot be bygones.

Listening without judgment. At some point in our lives, we just want to share our life with others without worries. We do not want to justify our actions with others. We live each day as our last and make ourselves happy. We hold dear and spend time with those we love. But we are reminded that we still exist in society, we are still accountable, we are still judgmental.

I am suppose to go to this meeting about relationships. What do i have to share? anything life shattering?

The Copster is Graduating

So my cousin Cop (Vn) aka Tiger is graduating from high school June 20, 2007 at Westview High. Ive known him since he was in his mother's womb and popped out in the hospital's birthing room. I took him to his first Halloween Trick or Treat in a pumpkin suit. We went to Legoland together when it first opened up. He has grown up to be a considerate, thoughtful, and responsible person. And finally, he will be going to UCLA this fall to start his life as an adult.

What are the moments in life that make us proud and accomplished?
Birth, first step, first words, first school day, high school and college graduation, first job,first car, first house, marriage, job promotions, first child, etc...

It is the memories that we create, especially the first ones, that sticks with us. It is also who we share our life memories with that makes us smile whenever we recall that event, that person, that thoughtful gesture. That which bonds us.

Life is a journey. It is not the final destination, rather the experiences. We hold on to family and friends' hands and make that leap. We sometime lead and at other times follow. We create our own destiny. We create and treasure our own events. Only then we are empowered to change the world one person at a time.

Memorial Weekend 2007

It is sooo hot here in SSF that i believe working indoors is saving my human thermostat ie my brain, from frying.

Memorial Weekend 2007 is coming fast around the bend and i have lined up some activities such as a BBQ @ my house for some friends on Sat; Napa Valley tour of Castello de Amorosa on Sun, and a baseball game, Oakland A's vs Texas Ranger, with San on Mon.

Last weekend I went up to Russian River for Women's Weekend. What I wanted to do was check out Guerneville and go rafting/kayaking, which i did. The weather was fabulous. The company was not bad either: Donna, Iyvonne, San, and Billy.

My birthday is in Dec and i will be turning 38yo (69-79-89-99-07) yet i do not feel accomplished in my life. maybe its mid life crisis. maybe its human nature. so i sit back and take stock of my life and what is important to me.

1) Love and support of family and friends: my immediate family, my cozins, my close friends from powderject and current work. 2)work since i must work 40hrs a week: new job, new responsibilities, new boss, new coworkers 3)personal accomplishments, new skill sets, new adaptations. 4) Places I've traveled: Stroll the beaches of Copacabana and Fernando de Noronha, Brazil; Toast to the Japanese sunrise in Okinawa; Had a romantic dinner in Paris; Boat ride down the Seine River; Drive along the California coastline; A weekend in Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon; Scale the Walls of Half Dome, Yosemite; A hot air balloon ride across the San Diego Mission Bay; Ski and snowboard down the slopes of the Rockies; A religious pilgrimage to Roma, Italy 2000 with my aunt Na, to meet Pope JP II; Listen to the thunderous roar of the Iguacu Falls Brazil confluence of Argentina and Uruguay; Trekked through my birthland, Vietnam, North to South; Ride in a helicopter and Dive off the coast of Muai, Hawaii.