a week in portland

we are now in portland to visit kims friend hong, go snowboarding at mt hood, and celebrate nye. Hong and John have a darling 1 year old daughter, Abby. She is the apple of daddys eye and the twinkle of mother and grandparents. she constantly smiles and make bubbly noise with her mouth. she looks so adorable in a dress and cap. when we flew in on friday, the blizzard had subsided and we enjoyed rain, sun and occasional hail. today is monday and we are comfortably settled down after two days of shopping. oh, we also went to the trailblazer vs raptors game. it was wonderful.

Birthday blues

Its all about perspective. As my birthday rolled around, i became somber and subdued. Perhaps it was the rain, or 6th sense. Went into work as usual. Later in the day, had lunch with Renee and Yun. As the afternoon came and went, i became more reflective. What have I done this year? What am I most proud of ? I came to the realization that having Kim in my life is what gives me most pleasure. For my birthday she gave me framed pix of Menage a Trois, bouquet of balloons, CD of love songs she made for me, and a card of 101 whys she loves me.

Last weekend was the company holidays; Thuy and Tom, Rachael, Liz, Kim and I went. We arrived at AT&T Park around 8 and left around 11pm. Being together to enjoy the event.

Recalling the past year: Breaking up with San after making Chicken Feet Movie, finding Kim at Dyke March, dating her, going out many adventurous dates with her. Robin left my life but Liz came in. Colleen, Jaynie, Nikki and Diane are more present. Penny is ever more my friend than neighbor. Of course my online highschool friends on FB.

Concerts and trips this past year include UB40, Janet Jackson, Madonna, Bridge Benefits with Sarah McLachlan and Norah Jones, Rachael Yamagata & Meiko, Bryan Adams, and now Sarah Brightman. For my 6 week Sabbatical I traveled to Costa Rica with Yuns family and to Cancun with Kim. While on Sabbatical I went to visit Tiger and Ellen also.

Now its the end of the year, nestled in the warmth of love of family and friends, reflective yet looking forward to what will come.

Cancun trip and its aftermath

so Kim and I went to Cancun from Nov 11-16, 2008. We stayed at the Hyatt Hotel, in a beachfront hotel room. For the first and last day we stayed around the hotel pool and private beach. On the second and fourth day we snorkel on Cozumel island and scootered and shopped. On the third day of our trip we rented a car and drove to Tulum to see the Yucatan Mayan Ruins. Overall a memorable, romantic trip. After returning from my trip, Alan, my roommate says he found another place with a separate entrance and more privacy. He s leaving mid Dec, so I have about a month to remodel. Not sure if Kim still wants to move in. Thanksgiving is coming and we have not made plans to be together for the holidays. I am a lil disappointed. Oh well.

NO on Prop 8

Early Tuesday i went to the Democratic HQ to campaign against Prop8. I volunteereed to be one of the captains and man my polling place for the entire day (10hours). We approached voters yet kept the 100ft mark from the polling office. We talked to some friendly folks and not so friendly yes folks. The issue is constitutional rights and discrimination based on sexual orientation. My neighbor Penny and her daugher was there with me for part of the day, along with two other volunteers, Paula and Jen. We spent the entire day debating about the issue at hand. The principal of the elementary school met us to see that we were not harrassing the voters that came into the office. We even brought coffee and donuts for the poll workers.

Drive to San Diego

For Kims birthday Oct 10 we drove to Napa Valley on Friday, had dinner at the CIA, after taking a course on praline mousse. For Sat we stopped by Chandon Domain, St Supery, and Sattui wineries. In the evening we went to San Jose Sharks Hockey game vs LA Kings.

For the following weekend, we drove down to San Diego to celebrate Tigers and Donnas birthday. We had standby tix to Ellen Degeneres show, so we stayed in Burbank for 2 days. We had dinner at Fogo de Chao in Beverly Hills, Brazilian dinner, all you can eat, at 50 per person. Next day we had dinner on UCLA campus before driving down to Mission Viejo to meet Kims friend, chi Minh Hiep. MH is from Vn woman who lived Belgium for 27 years, speaks perfect Vn and French. Her husband is Swedish, and their children speak only French. After visiting Nikken, to pickup Kims bed, we went down to San Diego to stayover at my uncles house. On Sat I had breakfast with my German lady friend before we went to Sea World with Nathan. He loved it! At the end of the day we stopped by La Jolla Beach and Torrey Pines Beach to watch the sun set.
On Sunday we had birthday brunch for Donna before driving back to Fremont.

What just happened?

It was the last time I saw Robin, at Noodle house, then to the fabric store, after I got my tires aligned.

I was organizing PALS outing to Giants, Hockey and Colleens Bday via email. She kept razing me for not working. Then Rachael wrote and email to defend me. and I commented to Robin about her email to Rachael. Now Robin is no longer my friend.

It goes to show, we can be petty when we want to be aka childish. Emails can be misconstrued because the tone is not made clear.

Weekend mid Sept

For Saturday, Kim and I went to a seminar from 9-12pm on Nikken products based on electromagnetic and far infrared technology, not sure if I buy into it. Then in the evening we went to Janet Jackson concert. The lead in show was a rapper, no idea who it was. Then for the JJ performance she sang both oldies and new songs on her album Witchu. The light show was fantastic. She came around and hi 5s the audience near the stage. And even brought one guy onto the stage for some S&M. It was Hilarious!!

For Sunday we went to Crocs AVP Volleyball Mens and Womens Tournament Finals at Pier 32. http://www.avp.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20080915&contentid=35930
We got there early in a taxi so we could buy tix from people who had extra tix at the gate. We sat at courtside for $30!! (normally $50). I even brought Billy along and hide him in my jacket so he could enjoy the game too. It was an exciting event, with food vendors and beach volleyball from noon to 5pm.

Up close and personal, we saw Misty May and Kerri Walsh(blonde) win for womens, and for men, Phil Dalhausser and Todd Rogers lost to 2nd team,Rosenthal and Gibbs. The womens volleyball was sizzling hot: Misty May and Kerri Walsh in tight bottom bikinis!! We had courtside seats. Need less to say Kim and I thoroughly enjoyed the view. :) and their athletic performance.

After the finals I got autographs from Kerri Walsh; I also ran and got Todd and Phil (mens) on the AVP volleyball ; at the end Kim stood and waited for Misty May. All four Olympic gold medalists signed my AVP Volleyball!!! How cool is that??? We gave it to Kims brother in law, Mike, who is a volleyball fanatic. I would have rather had Kim keep it. It was weird to give it away. She is very generous even when I made the effort for her, not for him.

then we talked at nite about the Nikken pyramid. Not sure I liked it. Its seems whether I do or not, she would proceed with the trip to Florida at the end of October. Is it a dealbreaker if she continues with pursuing this business scheme?

2 month anniversary

Last Thursday was Kim and mine 2 month anniversary. We celebrated with this cake. This week we spent Friday thru Tues together. I like when she comes over from work and spend quiet evenings together.

Her birthday is coming up, I would like a special cake for her. Tennis with Federer and Nadal faces. This week has gone by uneventful. I am suppose to meet up with Kims ex gf this Sunday, or at the end of the month. Dont you think its awkward to do this? Its like since now they are your friends, you introduce them to your gf. San did that with me, with both of her exs. If you did the breaking up, and bring them around to meet the current gf, it would be awkward. Comparison of what does she have that i dont have, and why are you with her? jealousy, hurt, resentment, pain lingers.

On a lighter note, fall is almost here. The Vn fall festival "Tet Trung Thu" with moon cake and paper lantern. I will pull out my fall decorations, quilted wall hangings , table runners, leaf wreaths, turkeys and welcome mats.

Last Labor Day Weekend

ahhh the official start of the fall school year.
On Friday I barted into the city to meet up with Kim to see Garrin Benfield at Dolores Park Café. On Labor Day weekend with a few friends, we barbequed ribs and chicken, made salad and had taro cake. By the afternoon we drove to Sacramento Oracle Arena (northgate/truxel exit on 5N from 80E) to watch WNBA Sacramento Monarchs play against Houston team. The Monarchs won 80 to 65, Houston. Afterwards, Robin, Liz, Kim and I headed downtown for some dancing; incidentally it was Gay Pride weekend in Sacramento. We didn’t get back to the Bay area til 230am. On Sunday, went shopping at Eastridge Mall with Thuy. We bought jeans for like 4 dollars!! What a bargain! In the evening I went to a BBQ at Kims sister house. Billy came along and was all exhausted, so on Monday we stayed home to rest. By the evening lying in the hammock with Kim,watching Ellen Degeneres videos on the screen mounted on my fence in my backyard, eating popcorn and mixed fruits. What a relaxing yet awesome weekend.

This is an incredibly romantic pix of Ellen and Portia on their wedding day in Aug 2008. They're soulmates: the intimacy, the love, the nothing will come between us as long as we are this connected. To find happiness in this lifetime with someone who cherishes you as much as you cherish them. The bond of love and commitment.
To re-cap: Kim and I have been dating almost two months. Our first date was on July 4th weekend, sharing it with EJ and Nikkis bbq. Our second date was at Moaning Cave rapelling. Our third date was at Oh My Godmother at the Zeum theater. Our 4th date was Mozart concert at Herbst Hall. Our fifth date was Lees baby shower, and Jaynies b-day pool party. Our sixth date after coming back from Costa Rica was going to Lake Tahoe for the day. then on Sat we went to Thai Lovers in San Jose. Spending 4 days together and being intimate.

End of August 2008

Well, the end of Summer is encroaching, and the kids (EJ) are starting school after Labor Day Weekend after returning from Hawaii. I also returned from my 10-day trip to Costa Rica, and posted my 421 pix on my webshots.com site. My first outside of the country with Yun and her family. It was at times relaxing and other times tense. Overall a good experience. I enjoy Yuns friendship and Lu, Crystal at times can be unbearable, but for most of the time, fun. The natives were kinda sneaky, over charging us ten times over. The food dramatically changed from restaurants to restaurants with holes in the wall being the best. The flea markets are where bargains can be made. The days start at 530am, (earlier than Vietnam) and end by 530pm. We visited Arenal volcano, puma reserves, lakes and reservoirs, and finished with Tamarindo Beach to go scuba diving. Not much to see, a few sharks, turtles, and rays. Spanish is the language of choice. They do not have an army and their source of income is tourism. I guess i am not impressed, but would like to explore other central American countries.

August already?

The dog days of summer...we thought nothing would come of it...yet here we are in love...wanting and needing and hearing and being with her. I guess we are moving towards a healthy loving relationship...still a lot of work...opening up and being there for one another...
On another note...i guess i am growing up now that i have a wonderful relationship that would last a lifetime...how to provide financial and emotional security for my loved one.

July 2008

It has been a blissful July 2008 :)
The longest month of the summer, July, has brought summer fireworks, with blossoming love.
Last nite, laying on her bed, Kim asked if within 6 months we should move in together. I asked her, "seriously?" I have never moved in with anyone, always cautious. It is a commitment and opening up of vulnerabilities and daily living habits. What if we get on each others nerves, what if we cant resolve issues like adults, what if she find my lifestyle sloppy, what if my bad days outweigh my good days? Can she handle me?
Lately we spend 5 out of 7 days together. Does she sees all sides of me already? happy, sad, anxious, negative, positive, angry, emotional state?
It is the next step to commitment-being there for one another. devoting our lives to one another.

Life takes over

Friday rolls around and I am suppose to have dinner with Barbara, but i got stuck at work later than expected and ended up going with Kim to her sister's house for dinner. We came home tired and decided not to drive into the city to see my sister's bf perform at the Edinburgh Castle Pub.
Saturday was a lazy day where we enjoyed our morning in Richmond before heading back down to Fremont. By the afternoon, after cleaning my house, we had pho, and then went into the city to watch the musical, Oh My Godmother, playing at the Zeum Theater at the Yerba Buena Gardens. Loved it! the musical scores were delightful, and the singing and dancing were entertaining to say the least. wished I had bought the cd for it. Afterwards we had dinner at Mels diner next door before retiring for the nite.
On Sunday, after Kim came back from her tennis match, I drove down to Los Gatos Holy Names to visit and have lunch with my SJ priest. We walked around downtown area and checked out the scenes. Stopped by EJ to talk to Jojo out in the garden. Its unbelievable how much she looks grown up! Kim drove down to meet me to go watch "The Dark Knight" with Christian Bale. We held hands throughout the entire movie. We came back to my place to rest, had dinner before she and I stayed in bed to rest.
This morning on the news it was announced that Roche is planning to buy out our outstanding shares for 89 dollars; since the dollar is weak this is a great oppty for them to takeover. Sadly, we are an American leading Biotechnology and they are ruining a good thing. The US govt has indirectly has let this happen, first Budweiser, now us. When the almighty dollar is no longer almighty, foreign investors can come in and run the show for us. We become subjected to their decisions and policies. Essentially we become their puppet.

July 12, Weekend

So I had another bbq at my house last Friday. This time i invited Thuy, Robin, Liz, Penny and Ken, besides Kim and myself. We wanted to setup R&L but that didnt work out. As Liz left she pulled me to the side and told me that if i hurt Kim, she would hurt me. hmmm how American. really! Any relationship involves inherent risk and all two persons can do is mitigate the risk by treating each other with respect. If it does not work out, friendship is still a possibility. But i was upset that after coming home from work on a Friday nite, trying to have a party for Liz to get her mind off of another relationship, giving her a bon voyage party, and trying to set her up with Robin, i get a reprimand. I mean I had to clean the house, prep and cook the food, mow the lawn, all before 7pm (giving me only 1.5hours) and then having the party end on a sour note. Shaking my head. Sometime people dont know how to conduct themselves or have etiquette. Instead of saying "thank you for the party, i really enjoyed myself, it got my mind off of other things, thanks for all your efforts." Well, she is Kims friend, and we did talk last weekend.
On Saturday, Kim and I went on our official first date, she drove 2.5 hours to and from moaning cave in calveras county east of Fremont to go cave exploring. I packed our lunch and we sat on the bench, bec there was no place for a picnic.
At Moaning Cave, you can descent using ropes and j rack. Spelunking is scientific exploration of caves. Cave diving has other connotations. Cave rappelling is what the people used although some thinks it should only be used on oudoors. It was awesome but not too hair raising. Kim was a good sport about trying it out considering she is afraid of heights. Other activities there include zip line, where you can travel 40mph over 1200ft distance.
Then we went wine tasting at Twisted Oak nearby. Kim bought me a apron and bottle of wine.
Sunday we spent partly with her family in the early noon time and by afternoon we had several good delights. aahhhh life doesnt get any better than this. She asked i stayover nite and take bart into work, which i, did without a glitch. It was from 730am arriving into Gne at 845 with a bus connection at 815.

4th of July Celebration

it started with a date with another Kim. a Vn girl i was teasing over text and now she is interested in me. i guess reading all those guy advice on how to get a girl to notice you, really works. the next step was getting her to come on a date with me and staying over the weekend. since 4th of July started on a friday, she would come to a bbq and fireworks at the Shoreline Amphitheater, stay over nite and leave the next day. instead she stayed the entire 3 days. we hardly did anything because she couldnt sleep in a stranger bed. we talked and watched the wimbledon finals Frederer against Nadal. the best Wimbledon Final ever-4hours and 45min. Here a changing of the guards at Wimbledon as Rafael Nadal ended Roger Federer's streak as King of Grass as Nadal collected his first Wimbledon title. Both players deserved to win and in the end it was Rafa who dug deep in his game, kept his composure and made sure that there would be no repeat of last year's memory.
I was sad when i found out that EJ would be spending the rest of the summer down in San Diego, and i was not able to celebrate Ethans bday. I suppose it is inevitable, him moving on. from his pool party to bigger and better things.
Next weekend, i have another date with Kim Do. I proposed we go up to Napa Valley for wine tasting, cave tour, and picnic at the lake. I am going to meet her after work on Friday and spend the weekend with her. Not sure where this is going, not sure if i had fun or there a gentleness about her. she is not an emotional person. if she can comfort me like di Nie could. it is a very slow pace for me.

emotional care

whenever i hear girls say, its all about emotional connextion, i start to cringe. really, what does that mean?

Its when the other person gets you and you get them. You are able to read them emotionally; they understand your emotional state.

They can sense your worriness (asking questions, pacing, absentmindedness, quietness)
or you are in turmoil (questioning, yelling, frustration).
They know you are afraid without you stating so (something happen to make feel this way).
They sense you are uneasy or unhappy about something (they shutdown, ignore, quiet)
They sense you are not yourself, you are influx (being with a person, to understand moods)
They see that you are unsure and insecure (what are their needs, insecurities, childhood)
They see that you are hectic or in a panic state (thinking is not clear, no direction)
They see the walls being built (not opening up emotional state, letting someone else worry)
They see you are working out something in your head.

First you must understand the range of human emotions from sad, happy, fearful, need affirmation, hectic, panic, need of support, excitement, questioning, am I doing this correctly (listed above).
Can I bring the other person back to a state of stillness where she is most of the time? they will be grateful and trusting of your skills. they will let you in and let you help them achieve this stillness again.

At the beginning of high school I begin silent meditation retreats, first for a weekend, then it became 7 days. Then I begin conducting them with my fellow graduates while in college. It was based on St Ignatius Philosophy. We are asked to calm ourselves each time, release everything around us, focus on your breathing and calmness from within, and only feel the presence of God and nature. We are asked to reflect on the events of the day and find the beauty in it. each person, each occurrences, and ask God the grace to see his presence and lesson for us. Basically, how do I spot a miracle in my ordinary daily life. How is God using me as an instrument of his love. By understanding this calmness, I begin to understand my emotional state of being. When i am freaking out, when I am scared, when i am needy, when i am unhappy and sad.

end of June 2008 Gay Pride Weekend

Lets see: went to the Alameda County Fair with Penny and watched Sex and the City, Wanted, and Get Start. Went dancing with Rachael at DNA Lounge on Friday nite. Saturday was about pre-dyke March party with Rachael, Bev, Diane @ Camilles house on Guerrero, walking with Penny, Ken, K&K, Kim and Liz C, and Diane, and then having dinner at Barracudda in the Castro with a bunch of fun girls, including Jenny and Barbara. Sunday was listening to Jen and Bev about being a chef for the Gettys family. Going to see the Parade and Festivities afterwards. Finally winding up @ the Greek Theater, sitting closer to the stage and seeing Cyndi Lauper performing live along with B-52s on the True Color Tour. Coming home I got a call from Kim (who is flirting with me over text). We talked about 2.5 hours. She has a nice voice and seem very mature.

Narcisistic Personality Disorder

hmmm being involved with San, i didnt know what was hitting me. then i saw weird signs of abuse. making me feel like dirt. luckily i recall my past relationships that were tender and sweet.

What is NPD? its pattern of behaviors which signifiy obsession with one self and the pursuit of ones dominance and ambition. the narcissist must get attention without seeming to seek or want it. The abuser denies it, bringing the victim low, either by slander or treating them like dirt. setting in of depression.

The onset of NPD is infancy or childhood and early adolescent, attributed to abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers. In other words, they act the way they do entirely for effect = to look or sound or seem a certain way. That is why they invest so much energy in the false image of themselves they carve out with everything they do and say.

Cerebral NPD derive from their intelligence and academic achievements.

The following signs or criteria include five or more :
1) feels grandiose and self-sufficient.
2) obsessed with fantasies of unlimted success, fame, unequal brilliance, or ideal everlasting passion for life.
3) firmly convinced that he or she is unique only understood by other high status people.
4) requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation.
5) Feels entitled and expects favorable priority treatment.
6) Is interpersonally exploitative use others to achieve his or her own ends
7) Devoid of empathy or is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others
8) Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same.
9) Arrogant attitude coupled with rage when frustrated contradicted or confronted.

Here are eight red flags:
1) puts on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness
2)damages the images of most others
3)has a history of past upheavals
4)is hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them
5)exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior — backwards reactions to things
6)is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries
7)is extremely self-absorbed
8)has a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others

5 dont dos
1) Never disagree with them
2) Never offer intimacy
3) Look awed or amazed what attribute matters to her or him
4) Never remind her or him of life reality, if do, connect to her sense of grandiosity
5) do not make comment directly or indirectly impinge on his or her self image, it makes them feel restrictive on their freedom and makes him or her think you are critical and negative

7 dos
1) listen attentively to everything
2) personally offer something absolutely unique
3) be endlessly patient
4) be endlessly giving
5) be absolutely emotionally and financially independent. take it when he or she says anything rude, or insensitive.
6) do not try to change them
7) Finally know yourself.

Last weekend

Its was exciting thinking I was going to meet Kim this weekend. She would spend the weekend with me.

Friday nite Colleen, Robin, Thuy and I went out to dinner at Black Angus in Sunnyvale. We had a marvelous time talking and getting drunk on Colorado rockies. Afterwards, Thuy and I went to the movies around 10pm to watch Indiana Jones new movie. That was good, 4 stars.

On Sat. I cleaned house and waited for Kim who drove down from Santa Rosa. Kim and I met at Newark buffet for lunch. She has short dark brown hair, beautiful green eyes. She is Irish. She is well read and therefore knowledgeable. She has attended some college. She is into politics. She is Republican. Unfortunately, I was not attracted to her physically nor the fact she seems more like a Socialist. After lunch we went back to my place to finalize my RC trip before going to the Woodside bike shop to build up my new xc/mtb santa cruz jackal frame. Kim took Billy for a walk while I talked to the bike guys. We then met up with Diane, Melissa and Sam at the Oakland Coliseum for Beerfest and the Oak. As vs. Florida Marlins game. Around 8pm we barted into the city to go dancing at the Cafe Delicious event with Robin, Rachael and Amelia. I was glad Kim was having fun and was ok meeting my friends for the first time. Also i was keen R&R were out and about, meeting new folks to get over their past relationship. At midnite, Robin drove Kim and me home, on the way we stopped by a donut shop.

Sunday was lazy Sunday; Kim slept on the couch and I in my room. We had breakfast together, before watching a film noire with j cagney and humphrey bogart movie. She left around 1pm to go play tennis and I headed to Pennys house to give her an update on my weekend date with Kim. Later Robin came by so we went to Fuddruckers for dinner, and then watched "Becoming Jane" at my place. The weekends are about spending time with those you care for.

Thinking back to High School

My theme has been depressing lately in dealing with San. I must find balance and my roots to be grounded again.

When I remember high school, I was this shy girl who didnt want a voice. She would eat with the same people every day for 3 years. She would not join any clubs except choir, campus ministry, French Club, and Kiwanas. Then oneday an older girl took me under her wings and gave me courage. She treated me with kindness and wrote me letters of comfort. She became my older sister. I remember how I always wanted her to like me and to have her pay attention to me constantly. To be with her and be like her. She was popular in a good way. She got straight As. She was beautiful and graceful. She treated everyone with kindness and integrity. Wherever she went, I would take part in the same activity. I wanted her attention. Was it lack of self esteem or self confidence? High school was awkward.

Today, I am more confident. I speak up for myself. I believe I have self worth and talent. I no longer yearn for the attention of another. Thank my lucky stars chi Tam was there for me. To nurture me and give me unconditional love. I didnt do anything to deserve it. She just gave of her time and energy being with me.

Is it different dealing with San? When you are with someone who needs all that therapy and attention, is it feeding into their way? I didnt mistreat Tam. We had fun together. I didnt yell at her. I didnt get mean because she didnt give me all of her attention, all the time. I was not told that I was negative and felt like I was diagnosed by someone who actually needed therapy. She wasnt the one who would find excuses to be unfaithful and uncommitted. She wasnt the one who would lash out without a reason and I would end up being hurt by her heavy handed words.

I walk away happily knowing that I didnot revert back to the depressed kid I was in high school. When someone who is crazy acts her aggression out on you, and you dont have the clinical know how, you must let go. Learn the early signs of abuse. Learn that you are a giver and set boundaries. Learn that words to some is as far as it goes. Learn to stick to your integrity because it will come back to haunt you. Learn that there are givers and takers. Learn you have as much faults as anyone else, and you must look inside instead of blaming others. Each person should be self aware. Find the good in each sentence you speak and each person you meet. But you may not continue that acquaintance because you will not learn from them and that is all right. Your world is filled with your needs and wants in order to grow in a healthy way.

Etiquettes

People must learn there are borders and etiquettes in dealing with others.
Do strangers just waltz into someones life and do whatever they want to the other persons world?
Here let me shake up your world.
Let me do things to you without asking you.
Let me disrespect you.
Let me invite myself over to your house.
Let me turn your world upside down.
Let me cause chaos and think nothing of it.
Do you see what you are doing?
Shouldnt you ask before touching and using your stuff without asking?
Do you see how private I am?
Do you see me outing myself?
Do I take your precious pictures and show them to total strangers and in front of movie audience?

CA legalized same sex marriage-my thoughts on it.

Massachussetts was the first to allow it, now its California turn. Although Federal does not, states can override it and do as they please. So how do you file federal income tax?

I believe in the integrity of every person. You may not agree with someone, and they may not belong in your world, but each person is created equally by God. We are all HIS children. We will be loved and forgiven. Is it a sin to love someone and commit to spending the rest of your life with someone? Having sex vs. Procreating? Is it unnatural to be attracted to the same sex? Certainly the body parts dont fit and procreation is impossible. Is it Gods way of saying no? Or is it just nature?

With a marriage license, you have all the rights and privileges of a family member does, in case your spouse needed you in that capacity. Convincing all the different institution is another matter. Lets say you get in a car accident and your spouse is there, who would be able to sign the release for surgery.

For now, I believe that for everyone who is in love and is committed to someone, let them be. We are all in the pursuit of Happiness. What else is there in this lifetime?

Past Weekend 6/14-15

Friday nite was spent with Powderject folks celebrating Pearls bday at Fresh Choice. Cassy and Bill, Angelina, Allan and Angie, and myself tease and laugh about life. Our friendships are about work, life, past memories and future goals. It is also about acceptance and care on the road of life.
Saturday was spent at home watching 7 Seven Years in Tibet, meeting and talking with Kim H. and later meeting up with Mirka, Jana, and Matthew to go dancing in the city in lieu of our symphony attendance. Matthew is Penny's son. What a wonderful young man; we talked throughout our drive into and out of the city. He made all the women laugh with his dancing and confidence.

Sunday was waking up late and making yellow cake and banh xeo for breakfast and lunch. Then it was time to bart into the city with diane to meet up with rachael and go to the brava theater to see myself on the big screen. then, San text me in hopes I was going to make it. I became irritated that she says i shouldnt show up (earlier in her emails), then asks i show up; I certainly dont like it when she thinks she can tell me what to do. i told her not to bother me. she text me back about negativity. i told her "whatever" and called her "weirdo".

when I showed up at the theater, Camille and Melissa also came for support. We sat higher up the theater and met Jennifer and Jennie. Of course, I saw San, Aaronette, Julie, and Sylvia, while waiting around in line. Only Julie said hi. As the show commenced, of all the short movies, FCF was the second; of all, only the first 3 or 4 were pretty decent. thereafter it got boring with movies shooting randomly with no real agenda.

Beginning of the Q&A, I stood up and left, not wanting to see San on stage with her charming and deceitful personality. Diane made a comment about trying to write out a letter to San explaining my feelings on our past relationship. I told her how I tried to open myself up, and she basically told me it was unhealthy. Diane sighed and said it was useless then. it is sad when you try to be vulnerable with someone and open up only for them to shoot you down. i am sure that is how she feels about me. we never really connected. i feel like when we communicate we are like 5 year olds; empathy is lacking or void. I am just tired with all the drama, her negative insensitive, heavy-handed words and childish behavior that she forgets the next day, yet the recepient must carry in her heart.

Overall, life is short, and when you cannot be sensitive to others needs its time to move on.

Negotiations

my week and last weekend in a nutshell...
irs :: need to negotiate the price...tell the story...misfortune...bend over backward to pay now...
end :: going to symphony with Mirka...going to frameline movie and my movie debut at brava...
convert and comfort :: how do you bring sensitivity and gentleness...is it the teasing, empathy, the diversion, allowances for mistakes, the listening and not saying anything that sound like judging...
auction for katie kalafatich :: bike frame...building a xc bike by collecting parts and components...meeting Diane.
taking flying lessons with Angelina...
having lunch with Vincent and figuring what to do for my next career move.
Getting a girls no. and getting blown off without any good reason. I wish I could read betwn the lines. Maybe I should learn how to be more smooth. Like the girl on the couch relaxed, sexy and cool and assured.

Unfinished Business

To be uneasy. To worry. To see that not everything goes as you planned it. It puts into question your reasoning ability. Most of the time I work off my intuition and logic. Then the machination of reasoning settles in and i get sidetracked. The vicious inner cyclic voice tells me that something is not sitting right from within me, but I cannot pinpoint it. The voice could be about a person, event, relationship, or morality code. It puts into question my core being as if I do not like something Ive done without having to do it. For instance, a person I ve interacted with, there is something I do not like about that person. Is it their irresponsibilty passed off as nonconforming? For an event, the paperwork that was not correctly filed and now comes back for another factual paperwork. For moral needs, the wonder that all those years in meditation and love of God does not translate to good moral values-impure thoughts, bodily desires, impetus acts that does not resonate with who I am. For relationship, intolerance for such behavior with family members yet endured for a total stranger, whether it is rudeness or chucked as childish behavior.

Labels labels labels

Well, i am deciding if i should be gay?
do i act the part, femme on the streets, butch in the sheets?
diu dang and femme with makeup and heels?
or should i wear jeans and t-shirt with boots?
holding hands and aware of her partner physical and emotional needs?
the look. the coolness. the hotness. the control.

What is a true friend?

Friendship is...
1. when you are happy, i will share your joys.
2. when you are mad, i will jump on the person like a spider monkey jacked up on mtndew.
3. when you are sad, i will apologize and make you laugh to forget about it.
4. when you are lonely, i will comfort you with soothing words so you will be emotionally connected again.
5. when you are scared, i will hold your hands and make you feel protected.
6. when you are worried, i will do research, find solutions, and dissipate your worries.
7. when you are confused, i will explain things to you, without making you feel bad.
8. when you are sick, i will take care of you, sit next to you until you feel better.
9. when you fail, i will lift you up and ask how i can help you to succeed.
10. when you feel no hope, peace or love, i will restore your virtues in humanity.

Friendship is loyalty, responsibility, respect, kindness, and having fun together. When we reach out to one another we touch and give warmth to others hands and hearts.

DOA 1950

Someone introduced me to film noire done in the 1940 and 1950s. So I watched DOA (Dead on Arrival) written by Rouse and Greene and directed by Rudolph Mate last nite online. It is a suspenseful movie about a dead man, poisoned by iradium, and has a week to discover the whos and whys. This one hour and 23min long movie shows us that at the end of the day, when we pass away, the awareness of what is really important to us, comes through. Love and gratitude. Kindness and touches.

Discovery

When one stops looking and appreciate what one has, it is better for the mind. I do not expect to meet anyone. I do expect to keep the friendships I value with small touches and hugs.
When you have friends, you must nurture it and take care of them. Lino's birthday. I sent him a small note. Vincent is leaving for South America, I want to throw him a bon voyage party. Agathes birthday, I bought her something I know she will like and use. Robin's front yard work done with friendship. Taking time in the morning to say hi to Yun and see how Crystal is doing. Calling up Angelina and wishing her a happy birthday. Taking Thuy out to dinner when she is not happy with her ex husband. Spending time with Penny at the baseball game last nite.
When we stop and take care of the emotions and needs of others, we become more human. We understand what it takes to build a solid relationship. We need constant reassurance. We need constant touches. We look into the lives of others and partake in it. We become a family.

Memorial Weekend

This past weekend was so different from previous ones. No more starting bad relations. It is about redemption, saving myself. If i don't find anyone in my life, at least i know i lived the way i was meant to live- loving life and treating those around me with integrity. To know who i am. and fulfilling my joys and obligations in this lifetime.
The past weekend i went to Gay Day at Great America with PALS. Saturday was spent with EJ, rock climbing and dinner with the G family. Sunday was BBQ with Nikki Jaynie Carol etc, going to work and stopping by Delicious at that Cafe with Aaron. I danced with a hot haitian girl, and met two Asian girls, who are going to the queer film festival this mid June. Monday i went to Robins house to clear her front lawn for 1.5hours and then went home to do the same for my house. By the afternoon, i went to Penny for dinner.

All this time I have the flu with fever and chills. a running nose. Trying to drag myself out of bed each morning and staying asleep at nite is the worse. Drank lots of hot water with honey and ginger. rubbed myself with camphor oil. drank two glasses of freshly squeezed orange juices. 8 pills of advil per day. half the time my head feels heavily sedated. but i will survive. afterall i have work and meeting in the morning.

Fire + Earth = Lava

Your outgoing Sagittarian temperament is really quite different from that of Capricorn.

You have an open, optimistic and straightforward nature that tends to take things as they come. You always believe that life will bring you the best, and even when things are not going your way, you still believe that the tide will turn in your favour.

Capricorn is regarded as a cold, constrictive and often inward-looking planet. Many, but not all, Capricorns have a more conservative nature than you and aren’t as optimistic as you. So you’ll need to give Capricorn time to feel relaxed with you. Then they will show you another side of their character. But bear in mind that at first they might feel overpowered by your sunny disposition — they could end up judging their own character against yours. You are adventurous, and love freedom, so sport — anything to do with the outdoors, really — is right up your alley. This is another area where Capricorn is likely to be far more cautious than you.

But equally, if you come together with a Capricorn you to will need to take into account the ambitious and practical side of their character. If you’re a patient Sagittarian, you might like to take the reserved Capricorn under your wing and draw them out so that they can have a taste of how the other half lives. And Capricorns are receptive. They might warm to your outgoing ways and join you in your escapades.

Don’t dismiss Capricorn as a probable partner. Your sexual chemistry with Capricorn might not be as hot and passionate as you’d like at first. If you take your time to explore Capricorn, they will eventually satisfy you.

Basically, you’ll have to work hard to bring them up to your expectations, but it will be worth the effort.

Capricorns born between 2 January and 10 January are far more emotional and sensual than those born earlier. There’s a chance you’ll be more attracted to this group. If you are with a Capricorn born between 22 December and 1 January, you’re not too likely to experience hot passion up front. They are earthy types who need time and persuasion to come around to your way of thinking. Capricorns born between 11 January and 20 January will offer you very stimulating times, including a lot of humour.

Be aware, though, that the Capricorn humour is dry and sometimes a little cynical — if that’s your bag, you should have some good times with them.

Last nite at the Cafe

So we (Debbie and I) went out to dinner in the Castro, Osaka sushi(5/21). Not sure if its a date.
She came down from Napa and I drove in for work and then to the Castro. We had dinner and talked about family life, rock climbing, etc...the more i looked at her the more beautiful she becomes. She has very strong shoulders, so protective. Her fingers are long and calloused from rock climbing. Her face and hair is sporty and feel of the outdoor. I wanted to reach out and kiss her outdoorsy lips. I wanted to slide in and have her hold me like she did on the dance floor.

After a few sake drinks i was tipsy, so i put my arm through hers as we walked to the cafe; she asked me what i want from a relationship, given all my experiences. I told her, i want it all, romance and love, high standards.

We met up with Melanie and walked around the dead bar. I played a brief game of pool, while she walked around checking out the place some more.

From our conversations I found out she is not over her ex. She is a romantic-she believes in love at first sight. She doesnt do one nite stand. She likes sushi and beer. She is 32. Her dob is Jan 4. each year she celebrates it in a different country, like in Brazil, Costa Rica, or Chicago, where she has a loyal set of friends that she misses. She plays the cello and viola. She bikes and rock climbs.

Melanie said that nite at Delicious, Debbie checked out the cafe and only found me "hot" so she asked me to dance. :))))) Does she still thinks i am hot?

I wonder what she thinks of me, more than a friend? Asian-submissive and educated.
Do we connect on another level, emotional level? Does she get me? Do I get her? Do we connect and communicate well when we share? Is she annoyed by anything i say?

All i can do is play it by ear for now. let her make the next move. wait to see if she will call me tonite. i hope she invites me to her house, so we can have dinner and be romantic.

How to keep her interested

What do i find attractive about a girl? what is a girl looking for?
She smells nice, is clean, dresses all-together. She cares how she looks.
She is a good dancer. She understands rhythm.
When she walks into the room, people turn around. She is confident.
She speaks intelligently, can lead a conversation with any subject matters. She is well read.
She is funny and cocky, life of the party. She has a sense of humor.
She is not rude or insensitive to others feelings. She is sensitive and self aware.
She doesnt say mean things, manipulate a situation for her own benefit. She is above it.
She is well mannered and speaks English correctly and does not mumble. She understand lang.
She is well grounded and down to earth. She is not pompous and pretentious.

Past Weekend

On Friday nite I stayed home with Billy watching some films on netflix. Saturday I was suppose to go biking but Jen cancelled; so I spent it in the garden. Saturday evening i moseyed into the city to have dinner with Rachael and go to the Cafe for the Delicious Dance. It started casual enough, meeting Rachael's friend Carrie and dancing with them.

Then she came along. Out of nowhere she introduced herself. I was impressed by her forwardness. We danced for hours talking and getting to know each other. We danced closer and closer, until we kissed. I can still feel her lips and tongue on mine. Feeling her neck and her back. Her arms and shoulders. Her back and her body rubbing against mine. Yeah truly dirty dancing.

At 1230am she says she has to leave but wanted to give me her no. (again i am impressed by her honesty) Mostly what happens on the dance floor stays there. We know it doesnt go anywhere, its not like we will ever going to meet again. But she is different, genuine.

I couldnt sleep that nite, all I could think was her face, her hair, her eyes, her neck, her lips, her body against mine. I waited until the following evening to call her. I am stunned to find out she is selling her house in Napa and going back to Chicago. I have no luck with women. When I find one who is decent and kind, she is moving out of the area.

We talked for hours, i never felt so open and honest with anyone. She is accepting and nonjudgmental. Such a straight shooter. I want more than a one nite stand with her. I asked her if i could come up to Napa to see her soon. I want to know more about her.

She is so beautiful, inside and out. *sigh* She is intelligent, open and honest, funny and playful.

How do I get her to like me and fall for me? How can I emotionally connect with her? What makes a person stay attracted to another person? Personality, looks, words, actions. Respect and love. I want her.

Movie with J

So J and I went to see a matinee movie together last Sunday (May11). The movie was "What Happened in Vegas." with Ashton and Cameron. When it was done, we walked Billy around the block and talked. But it felt awkward, like our brief pizza lunch, too quiet not enough emotional connection-serious with sprinkles of laughter. Like we were deciding if we should be friends or more than that-trying to read each others personality.
I drove her back to her place and she disappeared into the house. Not sure if it was something i said or did. She is big on manners. Maybe it was how i answer her question, do i liked foreign films; it was too long winded. from now on, short answers is better. maybe she was deciding whether or not to invite me in for another movie or sometime during the week. she has asked me out this weekend. hmmm

Not theshape of my heart Sting

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesnt play for the money he wins
He doesnt play for the respect
He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But thats not the shape of my heart

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But thats not the shape of my heart
Thats not the shape, the shape of my heart

And if I told you that I loved you
Youd maybe think theres something wrong
Im not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who smile are lost

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But thats not the shape of my heart
Thats not the shape of my heart

Childhood Dreams

What are my interests? what are my talents? what can i learn and what comes natural to me? what are some of my charming traits? do i have manners? what did i long to do when i was little?

when i was lil i loved the great outdoors with its sun, wind, and rain. i would shrink myself and be part of miniature planet.

i would read more fiction and dream i was one of the characters in the book. i was a foreign princess that could speak at least 5 languages.

i would dream in colors. i had no boundaries and drew my own lines. if someone says something, i would ask myself why not? i do not conform but i do want to be accepted. i remember being alone but not lonely. today i am an adult more realistic but still idealistic. i am still adventurous and exploratory. the plane and car is my escape to other worlds. the people i sit and listen are my storytellers. the music and movies are my escape to dream worlds. when i remember how the world was when i was lil and how it is now, it is remarkable that in my lifetime it has gone from 8 track tapes to ipods and broadband radio waves. once it was reaching for the moon now its to mars and beyond available to the common people. we are researching diseases like alzhemeir and aids whereas before we were not even aware of its origins.

What is forgiveness

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered.

To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

How to Apologize

If youve done something wrong in your dealings with another person, its as if theres an infection in your relationship.

A Bad Apology is Worse Than No Apology: Half hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologizing at all because recipients find them insulting. A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.

Two classic bad apologies:
1) "I'm sorry you feel hurt by what Ive done." (This is an attempt at an emotional salve, but its obvious you dont want to put any medicine in the wound.)
2) "I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you've done/" (Thats not giving an apology. Thats asking for one.) (Classic Sans apology)

Proper apologies have 3 parts:
1)What did I do wrong
2) I feel badly that I hurt you
3) How do I make this better?

Most people are will genuinely appreciative of your make-good efforts. They may tell you how to make it better in some small easy way. And often, they'll work harder to help make things better themselves. If the other person does not apologize back, thats not something you can control so dont let it eat at you. Apologies must be heartfelt and in the right emotional state. So be patient and it will be rewarded.

How do we change ourself?

To recognize, acknowledge that I have a flaw, that I am at fault or how wrong I was in how I dealt with someone or a situation.

What constitutes right and wrong? A sense of justice. Not going against ones convictions.
Blaming others: to hold someone or something at fault.
Arrogance: overbearing and self importance.

To take a situation and look at it from all angles. Understand why people react or feel when given a situation outside their experience. How flexible am I? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling that way?

The movie scenario: San signed up for film class in June. She wanted to make a movie. She wants it to be about her ex meeting her mother. She asks me to be in the movie as the star. I flatly refused. Here are the reasons why: I dont like to be outed. I dont want to be reminded about her ex. I dont feel that she is fair in dealing with people, taking advantage of people, giving minimal return. (This is all about my convictions). Later in year, when I was drunk she made me sign on a papernapkin that I would star in the movie (how silly is that!!).Two weeks before the movie, I still insisted in not being part of the movie set. She says I can be her production assistant. One week before the movie film, she asks me to write the script and help with some other on scene movie production, getting me involved and excited. She has not hired anyone or have rented a house. She has no one to star in her movie. We go to Florida and she asks me again and asks for help with finding others. I send out casting calls and sets. No one responses. Basically she has left it to last minute and put me in the situation. I should have just said no and not be involved with her at that time. Instead, as a friend, I wanted to help her out. I called Aaronette and convinced her. I called up Renee and my sister. I helped her write the script. I am not sure how the conversation started but i am now the star and my house is casted for the set within getting back from Florida. I told her if she uses my house my sister would get paid $1000 for editing the film. She never hired her. She did herself with a macbook and some geeky computer nerd, I am sure she slept with him. I have lost my conviction of being outed. My house was used and barely cleaned. My car was used and not cleaned at all. I feel used.

A Recovering Jerk

Reading a book entitled "The Last Lecture." by Randy Pausch.
Lines from it that make an impact on me.

As a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon "I wanted to help students learn how to judge themselves." Did they recognize their true abilities? Did they have a sense of their own flaws? Were they realistic about how others viewed them?

In the end, educators best serve students by helping them be more self-reflective. The only way any of us can improve is if we develop a real ability to assess ourselves. If we cant accurately do that, how can we tell if we're getting better or worse?

Most importantly, we need to let them know how to judge for themselves how theyre coming along. Best way to do this is by constant feedbacks from family and friends. It is most difficult at times to hear and welcome honest feedbacks. This will help with character building.

Posing questions: Did his peers find it easy or hard to work with him? Is he a team player?

Some people have a healthy sense of himself, which can leave him clueless about how he is coming off to others. To be in denial. He would rather rationalized his or her jerking behavior.

To correct this is to listen and improve your behavior.

personality traits

San and one other person think I am either manipulative or narcissistic.
Am I??

(Being the scientist that i am, first I define it, fundalmentals)
Definitions:
manipulative: skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage

narcissistic personality (disorder): a personality disorder characterized by grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), lack of social empathy combined with hypersensitivity to the judgments of others, interpersonal exploitativeness, a sense of entitlement, and a need for constant signs of admiration.

Next I take a poll of people who know me and ask them to vote yes or no. (S&Z) vs (J&R).

Then I take an self evaluation, an internal reflection to break the tie, being objective as possible.

When I want someone to do something for me I tend to ask and nag them to death. I leverage them with what I have done for them, and ask for a favor in return. An eye for an eye.

I do have the tendencies to blame others, not taking responsibility of my own actions adding to the situation. I also become obsessed with - why arent they reacting the way I want them to? Being the oldest, I have the attitude, I can do no wrong. I am the leader, I must stay on course and be strong. I could be oblivious to the obvious; Not self aware that I have a fault of not admitting I am wrong. Is that called arrogance? I am a thinker not a feeler. I do not do well to analyze my actions and behaviors with the reactions I receive from others. Oblivious. I must stop words or actions and realize that I am being insensitive and tactless.

How do I overcome this obstruction? Be more aware that certain words create certain reactions. To observe more carefully when I hurt someones feelings with the mood changes or a self defense mechanism words comes next. If i say he is a better boss, then jealousy from the previous boss. Understand the emotions that commonly occur or encounter-happiness, excited, thrilled, elated, sad, unhappy, disappointed, neglected, confused, lost, unloved, unwanted, jealousy, rage, etc By having emotional stability, awareness, and intelligence, you will understand better human interactions and feeling connected to the people around you. Sharing moments of happiness, loss, joys, anticipation with another human being makes us empathetic and people can learn to trust their emotions around you, to share more about themselves and their vulnerabilities. They and you can relate to one another. We become friends and have special shared moments-moments of intimacies.

There is the other side of me. the spock side the unspoken side... i remember growing up and seeing the episode where spock feels emotions or the woman transfers pain from a person onto herself. I remember wanting to have that power. The power of empathy and wanting emotional connection with people. As I grew up I felt isolated from this power because my parents and I didnt get along. I couldnt connect with them and did not have many friends to share my feelings. Being awkwardly shy and embarrassed all the time, and not being confident did not help. Emotional intelligence and people person (interpersonal skills) became hindered. I didnt know how to make friends and then keep them. I didnt know how to stay connected with people. How to make them feel comfortable around me. I was too quiet. It made weird out situations where people felt uncomfortable. I could not read people and became less what I wanted to be, empathetic. How to deal the death, or loss, or separation/divorce, with what emotions?? On top of that I could not express my feelings or words very well. I couldnt define what I was feeling. I was confused at times throughout high school and college about who I was or what I was feeling.

Slowly I am out of my shell, marys world. After all my family upheavals and trauma of parents divorce, being homeless, years of neglect, feeling unloved and abused. It is safer now that i am working and could control my own destiny. I met good people who saved my life and sanity. They were like life preservors in the water of life. First there was chi Tam. She was kind and self aware, sensitive to the needs of others and a people person. Wherever she went, people liked her, and knew what she stood for. She was respected and well liked by all. After her, was Yun. Again she is well regarded and a good person who could read a person really well. Now its Jaynie.

I would like to be more like them, to read people better, and make people feel comfortable around me. I would like to be empathetic and well expressed in my emotions.
These are my goals for this month.

Stress Management

* Our responses to adverse events (A) are based on our beliefs (B).
when life comes with certain events our response to it is dictated by our value system.

*Beliefs develop over time and influence our thinking, attitudes, and perceptions.
Our value system is created from within ourself. What we regard as convictions.

*Our response to an adverse event, or consequence (C), is most visible and tangible.
How we respond based on our value system can be seen most visibly by what we say, and how we act towards it.
A+B=C

*Just as beliefs develop over time so do effective stress management and coping skills, all of which are learned behaviors.

Re-training requires:
*a conscious awareness of our beliefs and the ability to dispute irrational ones and replacing them with rational thoughts.
*Practicing newly learned skills.
*Commitment to the advocated process.

*"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. " Marie Curie
"You need someone who sees your potential and gap your reality with it." Penny
"You are a giving person, with professionalism in dealing with folks." Penny

Weekend updates

Last Saturday the usual, BBQ with friends: Erika & her family and chi Nga and her daughters- Thi and Thao, then Robin, Thuy, and Jaynie stopped by later, where we sat in my backyard drinking, eating and laughing. We moved indoors to watch Aprils Shower. Completely satisfying. On Sunday, after picking up Ethan and Vincent, we drove into the city to watch the Giants vs the Cinn Reds play. We arrived after the first inning and the score was already 6-0, Giants losing. It was not meant to be, but we had a grand time despite the loss. E and V were allowed to run the bases after the game; they also received complimentary wooden bats. For pre-dinner snack we went to Ghiradelli square for a hot fudge sundae before heading back to Mtn View for dinner.

This week at work is GMP followed by a dinner date with Jaynie. I wonder if we are dating or just hanging out as friends. I can't tell with her. I love her wit and sense of humor, but its hard reading her. If we were dating we would kiss goodnite, but we hug and thats the extent of it. Not sure what to make of it. Girls are soooo complicated. anyhoo I started my own facebook page, complete with pix and videos. I now officially have three friends on it: one is from high school, someone I had a total crush on, which really never went away:) Jaynie is on there, the blonde girl; Mandy is my Chinese friend/Sans friend more than mine and finally Denise, blonde turned dark, wife of Dakota.

This weekend planning on finishing some house projects, like the door, re-do corner of the yard, and plant brocoli. On Sat nite we (Robin, Thuy, my sister and her bf) are going up to Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo, and Sunday to Napa Valley for biking, auction, and wine tasting. Sounds like a fun filled weekend!

My lil dotsie

My lil dotsie when he was about 8weeks old. Now he is turning 2 years old. What a character he is. We play hide-n-seek, fetch, tug-a-war, chase, and bite my hands. Although he hasn't learn any new tricks he does understand, "check the window." I am trying to train him to stop barking randomly and actually look outside to see if anyone is there before he barks. This tactic works better than spraying water at the poor dog. He understands that when he checks the window and sees no one he stops barking; i also call him a "dork" and pats his head. Now he sits at the window like a cat, patrolling the neighborhood. He still barks but much more sensibly.

Giants game with PALS

After a glorious weekend in the 80s the Monday cold breeze in the 50s took us for a loop. We wanted to go to a Giants baseball game anyways and enjoy each others company (Carol and Mary, Colleen and Jennifer, Jaynie and Maggie, Rachael and me). After picking up Jayne at her house we drove into the city by 6pmish. We found Danny who gave us tix at not so great a price (35-40). Jayne and I had beer outside a pub before meeting up with Maggie, Colleen and Jennifer, around 7pm. Shortly after, Carol and Mary showed up. We gave everyone tix and they went to the game on time. Rachael and I found each other after 15min standing at different statues. It was a great feeling to see everyone together. Jayne came by and sat next to me, not sure by choice or to avoid Maggie tangential convo. It was surely great to see Rachael, but I realize how much she has changed, looked older. Carol and Mary went up and sat with Colleen and Jennifer after a while. As the game progressed into the nite, we stood cheering, eating garlic fries, and drinking beer. ahhhh after the 7th inning it was time to head home. We all needed to get up early for work.

Is Chivalry dead?

Summation of Saturday nite at the SF Symphony

Thuy and I really enjoyed Strauss string (cello, viola, violin), wooden precussions(kettle drums), and brassed winds(flutes, trumpets) variations. It was vibrant enough to keep me awake, although i did sleep about 15min. We even had a nite cap of champagne, cheese/crackers, and strawberry ice cream dessert at Jardiniere restaurant across the street.

Don Quixote (aka the Man of Mancha), a novel by Cervantes, a folk-tale or poem by Nietzsche, and the opus 35, composed by Strauss, was performed last nite by the SF Orchestra. Strauss certainly caught and has nobly conveyed, not merely the humor, but the humanity and pity of Cervantes's tale.
Richard Strauss exhausted the ordinary orchestral effects and invented new instrumental variations of this work, in Munich in 1897 and the premiere took place in Cologne on 8 March 1898, with Friedrich Grützmacher as the cello soloist and Franz Wüllner as the conductor.[1]
Strauss, whether or not his esthetic is faulty, has given us prodigious variations of music from in the pizzicato notes of stringed instruments-violin and viola trills, to the ingenious yet strange woodwind effects of the flutes, bassoon and trumpets, ever-useful kettle drums, crazy cadenzas of the harp, cello rhapsodizes over somnolent harmonies of wind instruments.
The score is of 758 measures duration and is written in Sinfonia concertante form, with the solo cello representing Don Quixote and the viola depicting Sancho Panza. The second variation depicts an episode where Don Quixote encounters a herd of sheep and perceives them as an approaching army. Strauss uses dissonant bassoon fluttertonguing in the brass to emulate the bleating of the sheep, an early instance of this extended technique. Strauss later quoted this passage in his music for Le Bourgeois gentilhomme, at the moment a servant announces the dish of "leg of mutton in the Italian style".[2]

girl friend

Its been awhile since I've blogged or have dated anyone (since January)

Ive been a loner most of my life. Although I am not sure if I am comfortable in my own skin, as they say. But I do like finding things to do alone.

R pulled me aside Sat nite and asked why i didnt buy her a tix to the concert. I bought only one. Not sure if she would go. Not taking any chances of getting hurt. I go to the symphony by myself. I go to eat in restaurants by myself. I am going to the curve party by myself.

Its not that i dont have potential dates, two, in fact. I am not interested. When I am happily firm with someone, i stay faithful. I like the intimacy knowing i belong with someone who gets me, who can read me, who gently strokes me.

So for Saturday, I worked in the garden alone, planting my avocado, komquat, tangerine, and meyer lemon trees. Then I dug the space for my arugula and lettuce. Finally, I mowed the backyard and put up the arbor for the jasmine bush and grape vines to climb. Sunday was Easter; I needed to run down to lil Saigon on Story to pick up some banh cuon and banh uoc for lunch with EJ. Of course, I went to Easter mass and picked up some Easter baskets for EJ-socks, eggs, chocolates, bubble bottles, racing cars, and stuff animals (Dont recall in my childhood of ever celebrating Easter with egg hunts or getting any gifts). Anyhoo, we had a beautiful luncheon consisting of ham and Vn food, coconut lamb dessert made by Jojo (now 11) and backyard Easter hunt. We gathered in the garden sipping ice tea and martinis and chatting about life. It doesnt get any better than this.

On Monday I finally got All Star Glass to buy my window regulator from BMW for only 139 (normall 400) and they will install it for 120 for a grand total of 259 not 700 (what BMW dealership would charge me). After getting home, I re-painted my entry door, a 2nd coat. I still need to fill in the trim and re-paint that as well. I cleaned out my kitchen and cooked dinner. Alas I fall into bed alone with my dog. At least I have him. god, I am glad Lent is over so I can now go find a girlfriend or boyfriend. hmmm that handyman or servicewoman seemed yummy now.

Feb 27th 2008

Work is about to become a b*&^C+H. I dont know how much more I can take. Life is turning into some serious challenges from refinancing to bills up to my neck to hassle with m. guys. then San walks back into my life announcing she has a new gf. why is she so selfish?? does she even care about me? I need some good consolation from family and friends. I need a drink and not deal with life. I have always faced life challenges, so that i am raw and blunt. I want to be like my aunt, who soothes me, tells me everything will be ok, do your best, and pray to God for the grace to be patient and find a solution, whether it is a gift, or person, or pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I still remember her Chinese New Year wish for me, to find someone, whomever I am looking for, to love and cherish and be happy with. Now if only God and the universe would answer me. I cannot be alone, i felt alone last nite. I had only my dog. Thank God for my family. I want someone to be a part of my family and love my family and love me.

At the bottom

Friday was spent with Thuy eating oily Chinese food and watching Chinese dancers. We discussed life and the profiling of people. Lino came and we all went into the city to find free beer and ended up at Lush bar on Polk and Post. For two hours we talked and shared about life sipping away at mojitos and martinis. When the drinks were done, we stopped at Mels diner for some late supper while chatting away.
Saturday was lazily at home and at 4pm, i went to visit Osi and played a game called cashflow. Meeting ten4si, r, jen and stut.
Sunday was spent cleaning up the mess the rain left behind.
The m. guys and the shed deal went awry. Now, what do I do?

Prez. 3 Day HOliday

Friday nite was spent at home getting ready for new roommate and interviewing other candidates. Sat was spent cutting the lawn and later going out on a date with Bev. I first knew Bev when she invited me to her special dinner party; she had advertised on CL and I was invited. We somehow clicked through the nite (i must have made an impression or something) and I stayed behind to be with her. However, at that time she was going thru a breakup, still trying to work it out with her ex. Thus, nothing of us came of it. It is now a year later, at least! When out of the blue, she imed me and asked me out (of course I accepted out of curiousity). We ate dinner at Lime on Market, talked incessantly to catch up a year's time, she paid for dinner, and I kissed her goodnite before i headed towards the Cafe (to meet up with Aaronette and go dancing). She is a mover and a shaker (not sure if I am and if I am in her league). She has great sense of who she is (which I admire). She also reads people very well. I guess its part of her behavioral training to spot people and animal changes. But like the rest of us, she needs a reality check with friends once awhile about ole lovers and exs. She is now completely out of her relationship (so I hope). Not sure if we have anything in common. Wait and see.
Sunday I stayed at home to coordinate the building of my tool shed and initiate the remodeling of my kitchen. Spent time putting up curtains, and arranging the bedrooms. Monday was spent with Thuy, shopping at Valley Fair and going to see the movie, Jumper. I like it when I have a wonderful date, followed by some down time with good friend. I can savor the moment and am grateful for lil surprises.

Valentine's Day!!

hmmm such a long day...dragging my feet, not because i have no plans for tonite, but because it such a fruitless day...shouldn't love be a work of art...each day that we are with our love one...the love of our life...we should be aware of their presence and how much they care and love us?

snafu

the defintion is a normal situation...all f*&^ed up as usual...something i heard on cashmere mafia, a ABC series starting up this season. Four successful women living in NYC: one is Lucy Liu a publishing editor; one is leaving her husband, because of an affair he had. She says, " I cant trust you. Not that I am not capable or willing to forgive you, but because you dont deserve it." one is trying out the lesbian world while giving her number to a guy at the bar. one is high exec. whose husband and son means more to her than her job.

I've Learnt

I've Learnt
I've learned so far in life…
to live life to the fullest and be happy.
to become the person I want to be takes a lifetime.
its a lot easier to react than it is to think first and act accordingly.
to leave people with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
that either you control your attitude or anger or it controls you.
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion may fade.
that learning to forgive oneself and others takes a lot of practice.
that there are people who love you dearly, in their own way.
that my friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the best of time.
that sometimes the people who kick you will get return 10 fold.
that true friendship and love continue even over the longest distance.
that maturity has more to do with what you've learned from life experiences.
that we are responsible for who we become despite our childhood.
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
that after you fall in love its harder to stay in love.
that those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
that being there, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
that it's harder to walk in someone else shoes than saying something to hurt another feelings.

Life Balance

Achieving and Finding Contentment

Develop a vision and make your own path in life

Plan out your time-personal and work

Develop flexibility as one of your character traits, which will prepare you for new oppty

Develop confidence to choose a path without knowing where it leads, gives you the resilience to adapt and grow with the changing times

Develop a mindset of community-think of friends, family and colleagues as your community. Remove any reluctance to ask for help and to accept offers of help. Set aside time to continue relationships and to build upon them. Be a part, not apart.

Know yourself and dont compare yourself with other people. Know what gives you a sense of peace and balance. Find your natural strengths.

Love Quotes

"Love isn't about finding someone perfect; it's about learning to love an imperfect person perfectly."

The only thing in the world I want more than you is for you to love me as I love you."

"All I know is if we could be friends, lovers, and have good conversations"

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you, because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing someone like you was out there."

"I was finally getting over you, believing we were through...I even had crushes other than you...I was walking with my head high, thinking I wasn't going to fall, then you had to look at me, and smile, and ruin it all."

If you examine good, you can see that it is the opposite of selfishness:Selfishness is a lack of love. Wanting to possess/own people for ourselves only.

We must not force our own ideas of right and wrong on other people. You can, and you must ask "Is this right for me to do?”

If you love someone, don't you forgive them if they hurt you?
If you do not forgive others, how can you expect to be forgiven?

Practice to forgive others.

out of the game of love-MLK

Monday was spent lazily in bed, watching the first two seasons of the L-Word. She suggested we do something. Then I picked up Dotsie because he was whimpering. She saw how he had scratched her leather chair and told me how angry she was and how she wanted to slap my dog. Instead of talking about it, i took dotsie in my arms and said goodbye to her. Perhaps we both knew this was the beginning of the end. Again the familiar feeling distance between us. I texted her once on Tue morning and she returned the text that evening. Wed morning rolls around, I call her to see whats going on, she is distant and says we should "chill." She asked if that was what i wanted? i thought we were happier alone than with each other. We said our goodbyes. She texted me asking if she could use my ins. to go to therapy, for closure i suppose. This is the time I needed her the most and she just left me.

Will the real San stand up?

So I barted to her office around 630 ; we drive back to her place for dinner.

As I walked in, i put my foot in my mouth with, "what smells?" she says its lotus soup.

she had let it simmer in the crockpot all day and she is now serving me dinner.

the table is set, the bed is made into a bed lounge, and she has snacks and gifts (earrings, teddy bear and gloves from 9w) waiting for me.

Who kidnapped the ole girl and replaced her with her angelic lookalike?

We had a pleasant dinner, she does laundry while I watched tv on her newly made bed.

In and out of the showers scrubbing and giving each other spa treatment.

the last thing i remember was being in a white robe falling asleep in her arms.

Again, what has happened here?

At this rate of the game of love, i would be losing one to nothing.

I Have Learned So Much
I
Have
Learned
So much from God
That I can no longer
call myself
A Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Buddhist, a Jew.
The Truth has shared so much of Itself with me
That I can no longer call myself
A man, a woman, an angel,

Or even a pure
Soul.

Love has
befriended me so completely
It has turned me into ashes
And freed Me
Of every concept and image
my mind has ever known.

All the Hemispheres
Leave the familiar for a while.
Let your senses and bodies stretch out
Like a welcomed season
Onto the meadows and shores and hills.
Open up to the Roof.
Make a new water-mark on your excitement and love.
Like a blooming night flower,
Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness and giving
Upon our intimate assembly.
Change rooms in your mind for a day.
All the hemispheres in existence
Lie beside an equator.
In your heart
Greet Yourself
In your thousand other forms
As you mount the hidden tide and travel
back home.
All the hemispheres in heaven
are sitting around a fire
chatting
while stitching themselves together
Into the Great Circle inside of
You.

Let Thought Become Your
Beautiful Lover
Let thought become the beautiful Woman.
Cultivate your mind and heart to that depth
That it can give you everything
A warm body can.
Why just keep making love with God's childform
When the Friend Himself is standing
before us
So open-armed?
My dear,
Let prayer become your beautiful Lover
And become free,
Become free of this whole world.

Je ne sais quoi?

As I sat down for dinner with San and Thuy at the Elephant Bar in Cupertino, I could still hear the ringing words..."why are you average?" San asks me. Thuy says, "I am average."

What is the definition of average? common, typical, usual.

One goes thru life. Once passionate. Then a rhythm settles in. Moments come when we are meant to shine. To go beyond ourselves and become exceptional, not settling for average.
This rhythm is like a harmonic scale. We hear our sounds, the beat from within. We hear our calling. We must answer it. We are no longer average we have a certain something-je ne sais quoi.

Quotable quotes of 2007

"In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country." --Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on the Iranian gay rights agenda.

"That's some nappy-headed ho's there," --Don Imus, on the Rutger's basketball women's team.

"I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history." --Hopeful former President Jimmy Carter, on GW Bush's performance.

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us." --Laura Upton, South Carolina Miss Teenage America, when she was asked why one-fifth of Americans are unable to locate the U.S. on a map.

New Year's Resolutions

It’s the New Year 2008. Although M. Gomez says it would get worse, like the chaos theory, i feel this year will be better than last. For the holidays, my family (sans San) got together for Christmas with Vn lunch and dinner like we do every year. It’s not so much about the gifts as being together to share the love and warmth around the holidays. As I drove home from my fathers place I felt the year ending on a beautiful note, like twinkling tinkling of B. concerto.

Of course, San had to spoil it by texting me and asking me (half assedly) where I was and I, not knowingly that she was also on the freeway driving home. Later I found out she went to Annie's house for xmas (some girl she has a crush on). First she had the nerve to spoil my Thxgiving holiday; then she asks if she could join her ex and her new gf for Xmas on the east coast, (thank god, the girl had the sense to turn her down). As a xmas present she came over to pick up her stuff and so we can separate. She brought me a bottle of beer and flowers (hmmm red neck, ya think?!!) I gave her books and a t-shirt from Amsterdam. We talked, made out, and got back together. This is getting ridiculous.

New Year Eve rolls around and I suggested we go to a comedy show starring M. Gomez at the Victoria Theater. She wanted to invite her friends, Sylvia and Julie, so I invited my friends, Rachael and Thuy. After the show, we went to a bar to countdown to NYE. I spent the night with San and the next day we went to Golden Gate Fields in Berkeley to see horse racing.

Here we are in the New Year, 2008. I sound so negative, but I am not normally. So I will make some NY resolution for myself (nothing for personal life-the zing ie romance has gone out of me)

Self Improvement
1. read 5 nonfiction books and 5 fiction books per month
2. work out daily at home to gain muscles
3. take architectural design classes at ohlone college
4. increase my retirement fund and earning potential

House
1. house improvement: heating and kitchen upgrade this year 2008
2. garden design to make it look more rustic and tuscany
3. build a retaining wall and a waterfountain.
4. get a roommate and some more income

Work
1. Work harder and have frequent self checks
2. See the big picture and become a better presenter
3. Discover my talents and passions