If youve done something wrong in your dealings with another person, its as if theres an infection in your relationship.
A Bad Apology is Worse Than No Apology: Half hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologizing at all because recipients find them insulting. A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.
Two classic bad apologies:
1) "I'm sorry you feel hurt by what Ive done." (This is an attempt at an emotional salve, but its obvious you dont want to put any medicine in the wound.)
2) "I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you've done/" (Thats not giving an apology. Thats asking for one.) (Classic Sans apology)
Proper apologies have 3 parts:
1)What did I do wrong
2) I feel badly that I hurt you
3) How do I make this better?
Most people are will genuinely appreciative of your make-good efforts. They may tell you how to make it better in some small easy way. And often, they'll work harder to help make things better themselves. If the other person does not apologize back, thats not something you can control so dont let it eat at you. Apologies must be heartfelt and in the right emotional state. So be patient and it will be rewarded.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Thursday, May 08, 2008
How do we change ourself?
To recognize, acknowledge that I have a flaw, that I am at fault or how wrong I was in how I dealt with someone or a situation.
What constitutes right and wrong? A sense of justice. Not going against ones convictions.
Blaming others: to hold someone or something at fault.
Arrogance: overbearing and self importance.
To take a situation and look at it from all angles. Understand why people react or feel when given a situation outside their experience. How flexible am I? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling that way?
The movie scenario: San signed up for film class in June. She wanted to make a movie. She wants it to be about her ex meeting her mother. She asks me to be in the movie as the star. I flatly refused. Here are the reasons why: I dont like to be outed. I dont want to be reminded about her ex. I dont feel that she is fair in dealing with people, taking advantage of people, giving minimal return. (This is all about my convictions). Later in year, when I was drunk she made me sign on a papernapkin that I would star in the movie (how silly is that!!).Two weeks before the movie, I still insisted in not being part of the movie set. She says I can be her production assistant. One week before the movie film, she asks me to write the script and help with some other on scene movie production, getting me involved and excited. She has not hired anyone or have rented a house. She has no one to star in her movie. We go to Florida and she asks me again and asks for help with finding others. I send out casting calls and sets. No one responses. Basically she has left it to last minute and put me in the situation. I should have just said no and not be involved with her at that time. Instead, as a friend, I wanted to help her out. I called Aaronette and convinced her. I called up Renee and my sister. I helped her write the script. I am not sure how the conversation started but i am now the star and my house is casted for the set within getting back from Florida. I told her if she uses my house my sister would get paid $1000 for editing the film. She never hired her. She did herself with a macbook and some geeky computer nerd, I am sure she slept with him. I have lost my conviction of being outed. My house was used and barely cleaned. My car was used and not cleaned at all. I feel used.
What constitutes right and wrong? A sense of justice. Not going against ones convictions.
Blaming others: to hold someone or something at fault.
Arrogance: overbearing and self importance.
To take a situation and look at it from all angles. Understand why people react or feel when given a situation outside their experience. How flexible am I? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling that way?
The movie scenario: San signed up for film class in June. She wanted to make a movie. She wants it to be about her ex meeting her mother. She asks me to be in the movie as the star. I flatly refused. Here are the reasons why: I dont like to be outed. I dont want to be reminded about her ex. I dont feel that she is fair in dealing with people, taking advantage of people, giving minimal return. (This is all about my convictions). Later in year, when I was drunk she made me sign on a papernapkin that I would star in the movie (how silly is that!!).Two weeks before the movie, I still insisted in not being part of the movie set. She says I can be her production assistant. One week before the movie film, she asks me to write the script and help with some other on scene movie production, getting me involved and excited. She has not hired anyone or have rented a house. She has no one to star in her movie. We go to Florida and she asks me again and asks for help with finding others. I send out casting calls and sets. No one responses. Basically she has left it to last minute and put me in the situation. I should have just said no and not be involved with her at that time. Instead, as a friend, I wanted to help her out. I called Aaronette and convinced her. I called up Renee and my sister. I helped her write the script. I am not sure how the conversation started but i am now the star and my house is casted for the set within getting back from Florida. I told her if she uses my house my sister would get paid $1000 for editing the film. She never hired her. She did herself with a macbook and some geeky computer nerd, I am sure she slept with him. I have lost my conviction of being outed. My house was used and barely cleaned. My car was used and not cleaned at all. I feel used.
A Recovering Jerk
Reading a book entitled "The Last Lecture." by Randy Pausch.
Lines from it that make an impact on me.
As a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon "I wanted to help students learn how to judge themselves." Did they recognize their true abilities? Did they have a sense of their own flaws? Were they realistic about how others viewed them?
In the end, educators best serve students by helping them be more self-reflective. The only way any of us can improve is if we develop a real ability to assess ourselves. If we cant accurately do that, how can we tell if we're getting better or worse?
Most importantly, we need to let them know how to judge for themselves how theyre coming along. Best way to do this is by constant feedbacks from family and friends. It is most difficult at times to hear and welcome honest feedbacks. This will help with character building.
Posing questions: Did his peers find it easy or hard to work with him? Is he a team player?
Some people have a healthy sense of himself, which can leave him clueless about how he is coming off to others. To be in denial. He would rather rationalized his or her jerking behavior.
To correct this is to listen and improve your behavior.
Lines from it that make an impact on me.
As a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon "I wanted to help students learn how to judge themselves." Did they recognize their true abilities? Did they have a sense of their own flaws? Were they realistic about how others viewed them?
In the end, educators best serve students by helping them be more self-reflective. The only way any of us can improve is if we develop a real ability to assess ourselves. If we cant accurately do that, how can we tell if we're getting better or worse?
Most importantly, we need to let them know how to judge for themselves how theyre coming along. Best way to do this is by constant feedbacks from family and friends. It is most difficult at times to hear and welcome honest feedbacks. This will help with character building.
Posing questions: Did his peers find it easy or hard to work with him? Is he a team player?
Some people have a healthy sense of himself, which can leave him clueless about how he is coming off to others. To be in denial. He would rather rationalized his or her jerking behavior.
To correct this is to listen and improve your behavior.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
personality traits
San and one other person think I am either manipulative or narcissistic.
Am I??
(Being the scientist that i am, first I define it, fundalmentals)
Definitions:
manipulative: skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage
narcissistic personality (disorder): a personality disorder characterized by grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), lack of social empathy combined with hypersensitivity to the judgments of others, interpersonal exploitativeness, a sense of entitlement, and a need for constant signs of admiration.
Next I take a poll of people who know me and ask them to vote yes or no. (S&Z) vs (J&R).
Then I take an self evaluation, an internal reflection to break the tie, being objective as possible.
When I want someone to do something for me I tend to ask and nag them to death. I leverage them with what I have done for them, and ask for a favor in return. An eye for an eye.
I do have the tendencies to blame others, not taking responsibility of my own actions adding to the situation. I also become obsessed with - why arent they reacting the way I want them to? Being the oldest, I have the attitude, I can do no wrong. I am the leader, I must stay on course and be strong. I could be oblivious to the obvious; Not self aware that I have a fault of not admitting I am wrong. Is that called arrogance? I am a thinker not a feeler. I do not do well to analyze my actions and behaviors with the reactions I receive from others. Oblivious. I must stop words or actions and realize that I am being insensitive and tactless.
How do I overcome this obstruction? Be more aware that certain words create certain reactions. To observe more carefully when I hurt someones feelings with the mood changes or a self defense mechanism words comes next. If i say he is a better boss, then jealousy from the previous boss. Understand the emotions that commonly occur or encounter-happiness, excited, thrilled, elated, sad, unhappy, disappointed, neglected, confused, lost, unloved, unwanted, jealousy, rage, etc By having emotional stability, awareness, and intelligence, you will understand better human interactions and feeling connected to the people around you. Sharing moments of happiness, loss, joys, anticipation with another human being makes us empathetic and people can learn to trust their emotions around you, to share more about themselves and their vulnerabilities. They and you can relate to one another. We become friends and have special shared moments-moments of intimacies.
There is the other side of me. the spock side the unspoken side... i remember growing up and seeing the episode where spock feels emotions or the woman transfers pain from a person onto herself. I remember wanting to have that power. The power of empathy and wanting emotional connection with people. As I grew up I felt isolated from this power because my parents and I didnt get along. I couldnt connect with them and did not have many friends to share my feelings. Being awkwardly shy and embarrassed all the time, and not being confident did not help. Emotional intelligence and people person (interpersonal skills) became hindered. I didnt know how to make friends and then keep them. I didnt know how to stay connected with people. How to make them feel comfortable around me. I was too quiet. It made weird out situations where people felt uncomfortable. I could not read people and became less what I wanted to be, empathetic. How to deal the death, or loss, or separation/divorce, with what emotions?? On top of that I could not express my feelings or words very well. I couldnt define what I was feeling. I was confused at times throughout high school and college about who I was or what I was feeling.
Slowly I am out of my shell, marys world. After all my family upheavals and trauma of parents divorce, being homeless, years of neglect, feeling unloved and abused. It is safer now that i am working and could control my own destiny. I met good people who saved my life and sanity. They were like life preservors in the water of life. First there was chi Tam. She was kind and self aware, sensitive to the needs of others and a people person. Wherever she went, people liked her, and knew what she stood for. She was respected and well liked by all. After her, was Yun. Again she is well regarded and a good person who could read a person really well. Now its Jaynie.
I would like to be more like them, to read people better, and make people feel comfortable around me. I would like to be empathetic and well expressed in my emotions.
These are my goals for this month.
Am I??
(Being the scientist that i am, first I define it, fundalmentals)
Definitions:
manipulative: skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage
narcissistic personality (disorder): a personality disorder characterized by grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), lack of social empathy combined with hypersensitivity to the judgments of others, interpersonal exploitativeness, a sense of entitlement, and a need for constant signs of admiration.
Next I take a poll of people who know me and ask them to vote yes or no. (S&Z) vs (J&R).
Then I take an self evaluation, an internal reflection to break the tie, being objective as possible.
When I want someone to do something for me I tend to ask and nag them to death. I leverage them with what I have done for them, and ask for a favor in return. An eye for an eye.
I do have the tendencies to blame others, not taking responsibility of my own actions adding to the situation. I also become obsessed with - why arent they reacting the way I want them to? Being the oldest, I have the attitude, I can do no wrong. I am the leader, I must stay on course and be strong. I could be oblivious to the obvious; Not self aware that I have a fault of not admitting I am wrong. Is that called arrogance? I am a thinker not a feeler. I do not do well to analyze my actions and behaviors with the reactions I receive from others. Oblivious. I must stop words or actions and realize that I am being insensitive and tactless.
How do I overcome this obstruction? Be more aware that certain words create certain reactions. To observe more carefully when I hurt someones feelings with the mood changes or a self defense mechanism words comes next. If i say he is a better boss, then jealousy from the previous boss. Understand the emotions that commonly occur or encounter-happiness, excited, thrilled, elated, sad, unhappy, disappointed, neglected, confused, lost, unloved, unwanted, jealousy, rage, etc By having emotional stability, awareness, and intelligence, you will understand better human interactions and feeling connected to the people around you. Sharing moments of happiness, loss, joys, anticipation with another human being makes us empathetic and people can learn to trust their emotions around you, to share more about themselves and their vulnerabilities. They and you can relate to one another. We become friends and have special shared moments-moments of intimacies.
There is the other side of me. the spock side the unspoken side... i remember growing up and seeing the episode where spock feels emotions or the woman transfers pain from a person onto herself. I remember wanting to have that power. The power of empathy and wanting emotional connection with people. As I grew up I felt isolated from this power because my parents and I didnt get along. I couldnt connect with them and did not have many friends to share my feelings. Being awkwardly shy and embarrassed all the time, and not being confident did not help. Emotional intelligence and people person (interpersonal skills) became hindered. I didnt know how to make friends and then keep them. I didnt know how to stay connected with people. How to make them feel comfortable around me. I was too quiet. It made weird out situations where people felt uncomfortable. I could not read people and became less what I wanted to be, empathetic. How to deal the death, or loss, or separation/divorce, with what emotions?? On top of that I could not express my feelings or words very well. I couldnt define what I was feeling. I was confused at times throughout high school and college about who I was or what I was feeling.
Slowly I am out of my shell, marys world. After all my family upheavals and trauma of parents divorce, being homeless, years of neglect, feeling unloved and abused. It is safer now that i am working and could control my own destiny. I met good people who saved my life and sanity. They were like life preservors in the water of life. First there was chi Tam. She was kind and self aware, sensitive to the needs of others and a people person. Wherever she went, people liked her, and knew what she stood for. She was respected and well liked by all. After her, was Yun. Again she is well regarded and a good person who could read a person really well. Now its Jaynie.
I would like to be more like them, to read people better, and make people feel comfortable around me. I would like to be empathetic and well expressed in my emotions.
These are my goals for this month.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Stress Management
* Our responses to adverse events (A) are based on our beliefs (B).
when life comes with certain events our response to it is dictated by our value system.
*Beliefs develop over time and influence our thinking, attitudes, and perceptions.
Our value system is created from within ourself. What we regard as convictions.
*Our response to an adverse event, or consequence (C), is most visible and tangible.
How we respond based on our value system can be seen most visibly by what we say, and how we act towards it.
A+B=C
*Just as beliefs develop over time so do effective stress management and coping skills, all of which are learned behaviors.
Re-training requires:
*a conscious awareness of our beliefs and the ability to dispute irrational ones and replacing them with rational thoughts.
*Practicing newly learned skills.
*Commitment to the advocated process.
*"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. " Marie Curie
"You need someone who sees your potential and gap your reality with it." Penny
"You are a giving person, with professionalism in dealing with folks." Penny
when life comes with certain events our response to it is dictated by our value system.
*Beliefs develop over time and influence our thinking, attitudes, and perceptions.
Our value system is created from within ourself. What we regard as convictions.
*Our response to an adverse event, or consequence (C), is most visible and tangible.
How we respond based on our value system can be seen most visibly by what we say, and how we act towards it.
A+B=C
*Just as beliefs develop over time so do effective stress management and coping skills, all of which are learned behaviors.
Re-training requires:
*a conscious awareness of our beliefs and the ability to dispute irrational ones and replacing them with rational thoughts.
*Practicing newly learned skills.
*Commitment to the advocated process.
*"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. " Marie Curie
"You need someone who sees your potential and gap your reality with it." Penny
"You are a giving person, with professionalism in dealing with folks." Penny
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)