Thinking back to High School

My theme has been depressing lately in dealing with San. I must find balance and my roots to be grounded again.

When I remember high school, I was this shy girl who didnt want a voice. She would eat with the same people every day for 3 years. She would not join any clubs except choir, campus ministry, French Club, and Kiwanas. Then oneday an older girl took me under her wings and gave me courage. She treated me with kindness and wrote me letters of comfort. She became my older sister. I remember how I always wanted her to like me and to have her pay attention to me constantly. To be with her and be like her. She was popular in a good way. She got straight As. She was beautiful and graceful. She treated everyone with kindness and integrity. Wherever she went, I would take part in the same activity. I wanted her attention. Was it lack of self esteem or self confidence? High school was awkward.

Today, I am more confident. I speak up for myself. I believe I have self worth and talent. I no longer yearn for the attention of another. Thank my lucky stars chi Tam was there for me. To nurture me and give me unconditional love. I didnt do anything to deserve it. She just gave of her time and energy being with me.

Is it different dealing with San? When you are with someone who needs all that therapy and attention, is it feeding into their way? I didnt mistreat Tam. We had fun together. I didnt yell at her. I didnt get mean because she didnt give me all of her attention, all the time. I was not told that I was negative and felt like I was diagnosed by someone who actually needed therapy. She wasnt the one who would find excuses to be unfaithful and uncommitted. She wasnt the one who would lash out without a reason and I would end up being hurt by her heavy handed words.

I walk away happily knowing that I didnot revert back to the depressed kid I was in high school. When someone who is crazy acts her aggression out on you, and you dont have the clinical know how, you must let go. Learn the early signs of abuse. Learn that you are a giver and set boundaries. Learn that words to some is as far as it goes. Learn to stick to your integrity because it will come back to haunt you. Learn that there are givers and takers. Learn you have as much faults as anyone else, and you must look inside instead of blaming others. Each person should be self aware. Find the good in each sentence you speak and each person you meet. But you may not continue that acquaintance because you will not learn from them and that is all right. Your world is filled with your needs and wants in order to grow in a healthy way.

Etiquettes

People must learn there are borders and etiquettes in dealing with others.
Do strangers just waltz into someones life and do whatever they want to the other persons world?
Here let me shake up your world.
Let me do things to you without asking you.
Let me disrespect you.
Let me invite myself over to your house.
Let me turn your world upside down.
Let me cause chaos and think nothing of it.
Do you see what you are doing?
Shouldnt you ask before touching and using your stuff without asking?
Do you see how private I am?
Do you see me outing myself?
Do I take your precious pictures and show them to total strangers and in front of movie audience?

CA legalized same sex marriage-my thoughts on it.

Massachussetts was the first to allow it, now its California turn. Although Federal does not, states can override it and do as they please. So how do you file federal income tax?

I believe in the integrity of every person. You may not agree with someone, and they may not belong in your world, but each person is created equally by God. We are all HIS children. We will be loved and forgiven. Is it a sin to love someone and commit to spending the rest of your life with someone? Having sex vs. Procreating? Is it unnatural to be attracted to the same sex? Certainly the body parts dont fit and procreation is impossible. Is it Gods way of saying no? Or is it just nature?

With a marriage license, you have all the rights and privileges of a family member does, in case your spouse needed you in that capacity. Convincing all the different institution is another matter. Lets say you get in a car accident and your spouse is there, who would be able to sign the release for surgery.

For now, I believe that for everyone who is in love and is committed to someone, let them be. We are all in the pursuit of Happiness. What else is there in this lifetime?

Past Weekend 6/14-15

Friday nite was spent with Powderject folks celebrating Pearls bday at Fresh Choice. Cassy and Bill, Angelina, Allan and Angie, and myself tease and laugh about life. Our friendships are about work, life, past memories and future goals. It is also about acceptance and care on the road of life.
Saturday was spent at home watching 7 Seven Years in Tibet, meeting and talking with Kim H. and later meeting up with Mirka, Jana, and Matthew to go dancing in the city in lieu of our symphony attendance. Matthew is Penny's son. What a wonderful young man; we talked throughout our drive into and out of the city. He made all the women laugh with his dancing and confidence.

Sunday was waking up late and making yellow cake and banh xeo for breakfast and lunch. Then it was time to bart into the city with diane to meet up with rachael and go to the brava theater to see myself on the big screen. then, San text me in hopes I was going to make it. I became irritated that she says i shouldnt show up (earlier in her emails), then asks i show up; I certainly dont like it when she thinks she can tell me what to do. i told her not to bother me. she text me back about negativity. i told her "whatever" and called her "weirdo".

when I showed up at the theater, Camille and Melissa also came for support. We sat higher up the theater and met Jennifer and Jennie. Of course, I saw San, Aaronette, Julie, and Sylvia, while waiting around in line. Only Julie said hi. As the show commenced, of all the short movies, FCF was the second; of all, only the first 3 or 4 were pretty decent. thereafter it got boring with movies shooting randomly with no real agenda.

Beginning of the Q&A, I stood up and left, not wanting to see San on stage with her charming and deceitful personality. Diane made a comment about trying to write out a letter to San explaining my feelings on our past relationship. I told her how I tried to open myself up, and she basically told me it was unhealthy. Diane sighed and said it was useless then. it is sad when you try to be vulnerable with someone and open up only for them to shoot you down. i am sure that is how she feels about me. we never really connected. i feel like when we communicate we are like 5 year olds; empathy is lacking or void. I am just tired with all the drama, her negative insensitive, heavy-handed words and childish behavior that she forgets the next day, yet the recepient must carry in her heart.

Overall, life is short, and when you cannot be sensitive to others needs its time to move on.