Friday, Kim and I went to the Mint for Karoake and Sushi, followed by Out Loud Comedy at the Swedish American Hall. Great line up of comedians, including M. Gomez and Maggie. Saturday, we did chores and then relaxed. We are growing closer and appreciating each other more. Sunday, it's Kim's birthday, filled with massage therapy and wrapping flowers and gifts. Although we didnt spend the entire day together, we came back for dinner and a movie. Her type of day that I know she appreciates.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Monday, August 02, 2010
dancing
My feet is twitching
when i see you on the dance floor
its almost bewitching
your sultry smokey eyes
the way you dance
makes me want you
knowing i have one chance
to be by your side
its the magic of love
when i see you on the dance floor
its almost bewitching
your sultry smokey eyes
the way you dance
makes me want you
knowing i have one chance
to be by your side
its the magic of love
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Dealing with Unpleasant People
June 2, 2010
How To Deal With Difficult People
We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “He’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.
First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. She was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person.
Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.– Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.– Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.– Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.
Having identified the type you are dealing with, don’t do what doesn’t work:– Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.– Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.– Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.
Since these behaviors don’t work, what does?– Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” Either they will come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.– Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear that they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show that you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong — you’ll never outplay a controlling type at their own game.– Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)
There are times when you cannot handle difficult people and must distance yourself. But even this isn’t black and white.– Self-important people: Let them have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly. If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy, the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them — is to sit back and enjoy the show.– Chronic complainers: These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal. Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.– Victims: These people are passive aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves into the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged. The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive aggression side, offer realistic, practical help rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)
In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion, or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you — most difficult people don’t — they will invite you to talk and not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with, and what to walk away from.
Read more Words from Deepak in the archives
How To Deal With Difficult People
We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that no one wants to handle them. In most situations walking away is an option, and you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable. You can wait until the thorny personality is gone and moan “He’s just impossible” to a friend. Far better, though, to begin to develop skills in practical psychology.
First, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible person had a mother. She was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this difficult person.
Next, try to name what specifically causes the difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but it helps to know exactly what is going on.– Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.– Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.– Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won’t let go.
Having identified the type you are dealing with, don’t do what doesn’t work:– Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can’t use direct rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes them feel insecure.– Controlling types won’t back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don’t care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can’t handle them simply by doing a better job. There’s always going to be something to criticize.– Competitive types can’t be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.
Since these behaviors don’t work, what does?– Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up (which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying that you do the job so much better, reply that you don’t. The stronger and more capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, “I need your help.” Either they will come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.– Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear that they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show that you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don’t fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don’t turn an encounter into a contest of who’s right and who’s wrong — you’ll never outplay a controlling type at their own game.– Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won’t have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example, instead of saying “I’m too tired to do this. It’s late, and you’re being unfair,” say “I need more research time on this, and I will get it to you faster if I am fresh in the morning.”)
There are times when you cannot handle difficult people and must distance yourself. But even this isn’t black and white.– Self-important people: Let them have their say. You can’t shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They tend to forget what they said very quickly. If they domineer to the point of suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy, the one used by those who actually love such types and marry them — is to sit back and enjoy the show.– Chronic complainers: These people are bitter and angry but haven’t dealt with the reality that the source of their anger is internal. Your only option is generally to put up with them and stay away when you can. Don’t agree with their complaints or try to placate them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.– Victims: These people are passive aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting themselves into the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant, for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged. The best tactic is to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don’t take their victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a “poor me” type without the passive aggression side, offer realistic, practical help rather than sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say “I can loan you money and give you some job leads,” instead of “That’s awful. You must feel terrible.”)
In the short run, most of the everyday difficult types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion, or interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you — most difficult people don’t — they will invite you to talk and not simply listen. Yet being a good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to fix, what to put up with, and what to walk away from.
Read more Words from Deepak in the archives
Friday, April 23, 2010
Emotionally Connectivity or Disconnectivity
When someone is empathetic, it's a step in the right direction. When you are excited, he or she shares your excitement and egg you on. Similarly, when you are unhappy, worried, upset, etc, he or she understands how you feel and shares the situation with you.
K does not do any of it. She leaves the room in silence, has no response, or actually says something conversely to make you feel worse than you already are feeling. She believes she is contributing by giving another perspective. Instead of stating that she understand your pain, (although she may not agree with the situation), she blatantly gives her opinion and leaves.
Do we connect? We talk on the phone about stuff to be done around the house, what we are planning this weekend, or future events, however we do not share our emotions. For ex, how we miss each other, or address each other's emotional state of mind. We dont share who we are, how we like to do things, or what we are thinking or feeling. We do not consider how the other person function, think, react in the same situation to better understand each other. We dont listen to each other needs. K finds that when I ask for my needs, I m nagging her to be a certain way, conditioning her to respond a certain way to my needs. Apparently, she is turned off by this request and does not want to connect.
I give up. I dont share my emotional state. I go to my cousins house, and talk to my aunt and cousins. At least I can connect with them.
K does not do any of it. She leaves the room in silence, has no response, or actually says something conversely to make you feel worse than you already are feeling. She believes she is contributing by giving another perspective. Instead of stating that she understand your pain, (although she may not agree with the situation), she blatantly gives her opinion and leaves.
Do we connect? We talk on the phone about stuff to be done around the house, what we are planning this weekend, or future events, however we do not share our emotions. For ex, how we miss each other, or address each other's emotional state of mind. We dont share who we are, how we like to do things, or what we are thinking or feeling. We do not consider how the other person function, think, react in the same situation to better understand each other. We dont listen to each other needs. K finds that when I ask for my needs, I m nagging her to be a certain way, conditioning her to respond a certain way to my needs. Apparently, she is turned off by this request and does not want to connect.
I give up. I dont share my emotional state. I go to my cousins house, and talk to my aunt and cousins. At least I can connect with them.
It's been a swinging door
Having arguments seem to be a daily occurrences at our house. The smallest thing sets us off. And of course the big thing too.
For ex, I worked in the yard all day, and am late for a show in the city. Instead of making other plans or catch the later part, K is so upset she wants nothing to do with me. I am left tired, hungry and going out to dinner by myself. She has no tolerance for other people lateness and shuts down. I, on the other hand, dont care if I m late, bec the event does not require that we be there on time. We prioritize the day events, and see if we care to be going after everything important has been completed. Of course when she is late, she is completely fine with it. We get to her coworker book reading an hour late, and she is happily strolling along.
Family events: we have opted not to attend each other's family event. It started when she stated that my family events are boring, she doesnt interact with anyone. Perhaps its my family, or the situation with family tension. But as family, we accept there are good days and bad days, but we still come together to share a meal. So the big blow out is when she doesnt care to go to my family Thanksgiving, or Christmas dinners, for the same reason "its boring." so I must plead with her. We end up arguing and going in silence and with tension. So I remember and am vindicative the next time her family events occur. She is invited to her sister house for Chinese New Year. I said its boring and do not wish to go. She is upset but leaves anyway on her own.
The latest being my cousin Jojo's confirmation, where she says she was already at her sister's son baptismal way back, and didnt find it fun. She decides not to attend Jojo's event. I no longer care if she goes, all I do is offer and leave without caring or feeling hurt.
Finally, she idolizes her sister. Everything her sister does, she respects (unlike me). So her sister visits my house and makes an off hand remark about it, which I thought was rude and inconsiderate of her. I was appalled and hurt by the remark; it took me a long time to get over it. ( I must differentiate between an opinion and judgment remark-see later commentaries). Of course K sides on her sister side. Whenever her sister invites her over for dinner, she jumps at the chance enthusiastically and brings home food for me. Last nite I asked her if I had enough leftover bean sprouts for it, she says yes. As if her sister packed it exceptionally well. Of course, when we get home, its not enough. I point it out to her. I tell her that her decision is not based on observation but rather emotional. She does not like that I tell her that. We have dinner and she leaves the house, returning to say she would like to move out.
Haing an opinion about someone is stating a fact or observation without making a judgment.
Making a judgment about someone without facts, observations or knowing their circumstances is wrong. Judging someone means saying if they are right or wrong in what they say or do or who they are. "he or she is , therefore he or she must be...."
Am I a judgmental person? To an extent everyone does it, its not good but it is done.
Do my core values influence my judgments of others?
Do I make statements or opinions or more often judgmental remarks?
For ex, I worked in the yard all day, and am late for a show in the city. Instead of making other plans or catch the later part, K is so upset she wants nothing to do with me. I am left tired, hungry and going out to dinner by myself. She has no tolerance for other people lateness and shuts down. I, on the other hand, dont care if I m late, bec the event does not require that we be there on time. We prioritize the day events, and see if we care to be going after everything important has been completed. Of course when she is late, she is completely fine with it. We get to her coworker book reading an hour late, and she is happily strolling along.
Family events: we have opted not to attend each other's family event. It started when she stated that my family events are boring, she doesnt interact with anyone. Perhaps its my family, or the situation with family tension. But as family, we accept there are good days and bad days, but we still come together to share a meal. So the big blow out is when she doesnt care to go to my family Thanksgiving, or Christmas dinners, for the same reason "its boring." so I must plead with her. We end up arguing and going in silence and with tension. So I remember and am vindicative the next time her family events occur. She is invited to her sister house for Chinese New Year. I said its boring and do not wish to go. She is upset but leaves anyway on her own.
The latest being my cousin Jojo's confirmation, where she says she was already at her sister's son baptismal way back, and didnt find it fun. She decides not to attend Jojo's event. I no longer care if she goes, all I do is offer and leave without caring or feeling hurt.
Finally, she idolizes her sister. Everything her sister does, she respects (unlike me). So her sister visits my house and makes an off hand remark about it, which I thought was rude and inconsiderate of her. I was appalled and hurt by the remark; it took me a long time to get over it. ( I must differentiate between an opinion and judgment remark-see later commentaries). Of course K sides on her sister side. Whenever her sister invites her over for dinner, she jumps at the chance enthusiastically and brings home food for me. Last nite I asked her if I had enough leftover bean sprouts for it, she says yes. As if her sister packed it exceptionally well. Of course, when we get home, its not enough. I point it out to her. I tell her that her decision is not based on observation but rather emotional. She does not like that I tell her that. We have dinner and she leaves the house, returning to say she would like to move out.
Haing an opinion about someone is stating a fact or observation without making a judgment.
Making a judgment about someone without facts, observations or knowing their circumstances is wrong. Judging someone means saying if they are right or wrong in what they say or do or who they are. "he or she is , therefore he or she must be...."
Am I a judgmental person? To an extent everyone does it, its not good but it is done.
Do my core values influence my judgments of others?
Do I make statements or opinions or more often judgmental remarks?
Friday, February 19, 2010
End of February and Valentines
This weekend was Presidents, Valentines, and Lunar New Year all rolled into one.
For Lunar celebration, I invited Kim, Thuy and Rachael to dinner on Thursday nite at Tamarine in Palo Alto . We watched the dragon dance and had a good time sharing Vietnamese food.
Friday, a bunch of Gne coworkers had dinner at La Tre restaurant in Brisbane. Always a good time, sharing and teasing each other. That afternoon, I was left behind by my carpooler, so I took bart home and Kim picked me up at the Fremont bart station.
On Saturday, Sunday and Monday mornings, I played golf at various golf courses around Fremont.
Tuesday, I had dinner with the Goolishes to celebrate Lunar New Year again.
The Olympics has started as we are trying to get fit facilitated by the Wii Fit program. Over winter break I ve gained an extra 10lbs that what used to be my stomach is now a bulge.
For Lunar celebration, I invited Kim, Thuy and Rachael to dinner on Thursday nite at Tamarine in Palo Alto . We watched the dragon dance and had a good time sharing Vietnamese food.
Friday, a bunch of Gne coworkers had dinner at La Tre restaurant in Brisbane. Always a good time, sharing and teasing each other. That afternoon, I was left behind by my carpooler, so I took bart home and Kim picked me up at the Fremont bart station.
On Saturday, Sunday and Monday mornings, I played golf at various golf courses around Fremont.
Tuesday, I had dinner with the Goolishes to celebrate Lunar New Year again.
The Olympics has started as we are trying to get fit facilitated by the Wii Fit program. Over winter break I ve gained an extra 10lbs that what used to be my stomach is now a bulge.
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