When someone is empathetic, it's a step in the right direction. When you are excited, he or she shares your excitement and egg you on. Similarly, when you are unhappy, worried, upset, etc, he or she understands how you feel and shares the situation with you.
K does not do any of it. She leaves the room in silence, has no response, or actually says something conversely to make you feel worse than you already are feeling. She believes she is contributing by giving another perspective. Instead of stating that she understand your pain, (although she may not agree with the situation), she blatantly gives her opinion and leaves.
Do we connect? We talk on the phone about stuff to be done around the house, what we are planning this weekend, or future events, however we do not share our emotions. For ex, how we miss each other, or address each other's emotional state of mind. We dont share who we are, how we like to do things, or what we are thinking or feeling. We do not consider how the other person function, think, react in the same situation to better understand each other. We dont listen to each other needs. K finds that when I ask for my needs, I m nagging her to be a certain way, conditioning her to respond a certain way to my needs. Apparently, she is turned off by this request and does not want to connect.
I give up. I dont share my emotional state. I go to my cousins house, and talk to my aunt and cousins. At least I can connect with them.
Friday, April 23, 2010
It's been a swinging door
Having arguments seem to be a daily occurrences at our house. The smallest thing sets us off. And of course the big thing too.
For ex, I worked in the yard all day, and am late for a show in the city. Instead of making other plans or catch the later part, K is so upset she wants nothing to do with me. I am left tired, hungry and going out to dinner by myself. She has no tolerance for other people lateness and shuts down. I, on the other hand, dont care if I m late, bec the event does not require that we be there on time. We prioritize the day events, and see if we care to be going after everything important has been completed. Of course when she is late, she is completely fine with it. We get to her coworker book reading an hour late, and she is happily strolling along.
Family events: we have opted not to attend each other's family event. It started when she stated that my family events are boring, she doesnt interact with anyone. Perhaps its my family, or the situation with family tension. But as family, we accept there are good days and bad days, but we still come together to share a meal. So the big blow out is when she doesnt care to go to my family Thanksgiving, or Christmas dinners, for the same reason "its boring." so I must plead with her. We end up arguing and going in silence and with tension. So I remember and am vindicative the next time her family events occur. She is invited to her sister house for Chinese New Year. I said its boring and do not wish to go. She is upset but leaves anyway on her own.
The latest being my cousin Jojo's confirmation, where she says she was already at her sister's son baptismal way back, and didnt find it fun. She decides not to attend Jojo's event. I no longer care if she goes, all I do is offer and leave without caring or feeling hurt.
Finally, she idolizes her sister. Everything her sister does, she respects (unlike me). So her sister visits my house and makes an off hand remark about it, which I thought was rude and inconsiderate of her. I was appalled and hurt by the remark; it took me a long time to get over it. ( I must differentiate between an opinion and judgment remark-see later commentaries). Of course K sides on her sister side. Whenever her sister invites her over for dinner, she jumps at the chance enthusiastically and brings home food for me. Last nite I asked her if I had enough leftover bean sprouts for it, she says yes. As if her sister packed it exceptionally well. Of course, when we get home, its not enough. I point it out to her. I tell her that her decision is not based on observation but rather emotional. She does not like that I tell her that. We have dinner and she leaves the house, returning to say she would like to move out.
Haing an opinion about someone is stating a fact or observation without making a judgment.
Making a judgment about someone without facts, observations or knowing their circumstances is wrong. Judging someone means saying if they are right or wrong in what they say or do or who they are. "he or she is , therefore he or she must be...."
Am I a judgmental person? To an extent everyone does it, its not good but it is done.
Do my core values influence my judgments of others?
Do I make statements or opinions or more often judgmental remarks?
For ex, I worked in the yard all day, and am late for a show in the city. Instead of making other plans or catch the later part, K is so upset she wants nothing to do with me. I am left tired, hungry and going out to dinner by myself. She has no tolerance for other people lateness and shuts down. I, on the other hand, dont care if I m late, bec the event does not require that we be there on time. We prioritize the day events, and see if we care to be going after everything important has been completed. Of course when she is late, she is completely fine with it. We get to her coworker book reading an hour late, and she is happily strolling along.
Family events: we have opted not to attend each other's family event. It started when she stated that my family events are boring, she doesnt interact with anyone. Perhaps its my family, or the situation with family tension. But as family, we accept there are good days and bad days, but we still come together to share a meal. So the big blow out is when she doesnt care to go to my family Thanksgiving, or Christmas dinners, for the same reason "its boring." so I must plead with her. We end up arguing and going in silence and with tension. So I remember and am vindicative the next time her family events occur. She is invited to her sister house for Chinese New Year. I said its boring and do not wish to go. She is upset but leaves anyway on her own.
The latest being my cousin Jojo's confirmation, where she says she was already at her sister's son baptismal way back, and didnt find it fun. She decides not to attend Jojo's event. I no longer care if she goes, all I do is offer and leave without caring or feeling hurt.
Finally, she idolizes her sister. Everything her sister does, she respects (unlike me). So her sister visits my house and makes an off hand remark about it, which I thought was rude and inconsiderate of her. I was appalled and hurt by the remark; it took me a long time to get over it. ( I must differentiate between an opinion and judgment remark-see later commentaries). Of course K sides on her sister side. Whenever her sister invites her over for dinner, she jumps at the chance enthusiastically and brings home food for me. Last nite I asked her if I had enough leftover bean sprouts for it, she says yes. As if her sister packed it exceptionally well. Of course, when we get home, its not enough. I point it out to her. I tell her that her decision is not based on observation but rather emotional. She does not like that I tell her that. We have dinner and she leaves the house, returning to say she would like to move out.
Haing an opinion about someone is stating a fact or observation without making a judgment.
Making a judgment about someone without facts, observations or knowing their circumstances is wrong. Judging someone means saying if they are right or wrong in what they say or do or who they are. "he or she is , therefore he or she must be...."
Am I a judgmental person? To an extent everyone does it, its not good but it is done.
Do my core values influence my judgments of others?
Do I make statements or opinions or more often judgmental remarks?
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